It Doesn't Hurt Like It Used To

It doesn't hurt like it used to.

For a long time I was chained to my feelings about my divorce. I feel more free than I have in a long time. I am getting used to my new normal and I feel happy now. So much has happened since the last time I wrote. 

He doesn't see our son anymore. He told me it is because our boy has reached the age of 12 and he told his father he hates to go to his house. So his father decided he wasn't going to make him go anymore. I made sure I told him and his new wife that I would never keep our son from him; he can see him anytime he wants. The first couple of weeks I called and called and texted to, just to make that effort showing that at least on my end he could freely communicate with me but he wouldn't answer any of my calls or texts. In the messages and texts I would say, "hey, give our son a call so he knows you love him" and still no response. I don't think my son fully understands, he loves his daddy. My son began having meltdowns at school so I took him by the hands and told him that I love him, he always has a home with me and the only way I'm leaving is if I die. I think he needed to know that I'm not going anywhere.

 I don't understand what is going on in his father's mind for him to completely abandon his son emotionally. I am not a monster, I made our son go over to his fathers house even when he was crying and saying he didn't want to go. I told him his father loved him and wanted to see him also. Sometimes I think it is because our son is special needs, he isn't what his father wants him to be. I don't understand his reasoning or how he is rationalizing in his mind why he is not seeing his own son. He also told me to tell our son that if he wants to come to his house all he has to do is call him and tell him and then he will come and pick him up. He went from wanting him for the whole summer to not seeing him at all. Go figure?!

Work has definitely picked up for me, hence the slackness of not writing on the blog. Ha, my desk is littered with paperwork, calendar requests, notices of hearing and so much more. I am working double doing family law and bankruptcy. I might possibly try to branch out next year and go to another firm but I am not sure yet.

I am glad I went through the wormhole so to speak because I am at my best when all has been stripped away and I have to take an insightful look into my own heart. The aftershocks of divorce will be felt I am sure for years to come, but hopefully we (me and my boys) will continue to navigate it with tenacity. 

Silence & Rage

I am in a state of rage. Let me explain.............................

As a good southern girl we are taught to swallow our anger. Do not get mad, act like a lady even if someone hurts you and smile in the faces of those who mean you harm. Reminds me of that song by Miranda Lambert, Mama's Broken Heart. Anyway....

The last piece of business between me and my ex-husband is child support. I didn't get anything in February because they had back taxes to pay, only $180.00 in March and nothing for the month of April. My ex always lets his new wife correspond with me and handle all his business when it should be him that deals with me because I did not lay down with her have our son, I laid down with him and had our son. Anyway, I have the text messages that prove she said they were dropping my payment down from $350 to $175 a month because they had bills to pay. Mind you, this is a fucking court order. Public service announcement:::::: In the state of North Carolina, if you have your legal separation incorporated into your divorce decree it becomes a court order when the Judge signs it. HELLO!!! Of course the legal separation papers have custody, child support and retirement all figured out, that is why I had it incorporated so I wouldn't get screwed over. If he wouldn't have been in such a hurry to get remarried and gotten a lawyer he would have known that. But he did not care at the time because he was to busy discarding us like we were garbage on the side of the road. 

In all honesty, I told them not to worry about February payment because I had my tax money because they were not going to pay me anyway. What was I going to say? THEY HAD ALL THE CONTROL! The money was not coming out of his pay-check, they were giving it to me when they felt like it and most of the time it was at the end of the month. I was having to call and ask when I was going to get the money. DO YOU KNOW HOW DEGRADING THAT IS??? So when I spoke with his wife in February and realized they were going to go down on my payment I went straight to the Department of Social Services because that is not fair. He told me today in Court that I was lying because I didn't blow up his phone, and I told him I didn't have to I went to DSS back in February!!

At Court today, he asked for a continuance to get a lawyer and I blew up at him and told him about himself. I really showed my ass and then I stormed out of court after the social worker told me my new court date. Then he has the balls to text me saying I was a liar, that he paid me and he was going to just get it taken out of his check because I was being so ugly to him and he has no idea why. REALLY!? You slept with another woman while we were married and it wasn't the first time, then when I asked you to leave you moved in with her and asked her to marry you right out the gate, then you proceed to slander me to anyone who will listen and you are practically forgetting about our son. He hasn't been to your house in 3 weeks and that is all you. Your new wife hates that you want him every weekend! EVEN THOUGH I REALLY DON'T LIKE YOU ANYMORE I WOULD NEVER KEEP OUR SON AWAY FROM YOU BECAUSE I AM NOT EVIL. I YELL THIS HERE BECAUSE IT IS THE ONLY WAY I CAN KEEP FROM GOING OFF THE DEEP END AND HURTING SOMEBODY. ALL I WANT IS FOR YOU TO DO RIGHT BY ME JUST ONCE MAN, JUST ONCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Explosive Revelations

I was trolling Facebook about a week ago thinking about deleting some of my friends that have ties to my ex. Not to be petty, but to truly have a fresh start. When you go through divorce, not only does your relationship change with your ex, it changes with mutual friends as well. That's okay, there are some people that are only in our lives for short periods of time and then no more. Anyway, I was looking at the mutual friends page and I saw something that shook me to my core. It was a video of my ex husband being baptized and accepting Jesus Christ as his personal Lord and Savior. As I watched the video I began to cry. Why did I cry? It really, truly shocked me. I never thought I would see the day that he would make such a declaration. I decided to delete this mutual friend so that I wouldn't be tempted to look at her page to see what he is doing or if they are hanging out because it is none of my business and I want to keep it that way. 

My children never cease to amaze me. I have been dating Ben for about 10 months now. He is decent, hard working, kind, and has character. My boys are "tolerating" that I have a boyfriend. Over the weekend we visited the coast and saw the lighthouses. My youngest son told him that he couldn't spend the night because when a man that is dating your divorced mother wants to spend the night that means he is trying to move in. I almost fell out in the floor! I asked my son where he had heard such a thing and he said he heard it on the internet. After this, I had to have a long talk with Ben and then I had one with my boys. My youngest thinks that his Dad and I will get back together someday and he told me this when we were having our talk on Sunday and it broke my heart. It also made me think about all the times when I was a child and couldn't really remember my parents being married and wondering what my mother was really like. All the times that I felt defective because my parents weren't together. Divorce really does hurt everyone involved and there is no way to make it right. 

Another revelation was about my childhood. I don't know how to put this one in words because it literally crushes me. I remember when my Dad got custody of my sister, my brother and me. There were days when at the ages of 7, 2 and 4 we were left alone all day while my Mother was drinking and partying. My sister, at the age of 7, took care of me and my brother and she protected us. I remember a man that was in my Mother's life at the time and how he made me very uncomfortable. All I remember is that feeling of being uncomfortable and the cowboy hat that he wore. About a week ago I was mad at my Mother over something trivial and I called my sister. Our running joke is "Your Mother is acting crazy again" and we will both laugh. Anyway, we got to talking and she mentioned this time in our lives and I mentioned the man with the cowboy hat and she got quiet on the phone and then said she didn't think I remembered that. I said the only thing I remember was he made me uncomfortable and I didn't like him. She said she didn't either because he was to touchy feely and she protected us from him. From this conversation, I have no idea what might have happened or if anything happened at all, but it makes me sad and angry. My sister told my Dad about this guy, how we were left alone all day and  he came and picked us up and sued for custody and won. All our Mother could do was sit on the witness stand and cry, she always tells us it is because her nerves were bad. Anyway, all that is old news and she is in my life today but sometimes I get frustrated when she doesn't take responsibility for her actions and previous actions. 

I understand I am responsible for my actions and that there are consequences for my actions. I truly do forgive everyone in the past that has hurt me, I needed to get these things off my chest because there is really no one I can speak of these revelations to. None of you know me so I feel like this is a safe zone where I can speak and not be judged. I truly am a work in progress, but all these events and conversations happened within the last two weeks and it was a lot to process. 

Life Lessons On Marriage

Yesterday, I attended a wedding. Two friends of mine got married at the local magistrates office and they looked very happy and you know it got me to thinking.......

When I was a little girl I was under the impression that a prince was going to rescue me from my evil stepmother, only have eyes for me and we would be happy, happy, happy. Isn't it crazy how we see the world when we are children as compared to what it looks like to us as adults?

I have made a lot of mistakes in my former marriages and this is what I have learned...............


1. I never set any clear boundaries. All I asked at the time was "do not cheat" but I was never specific. I should have said "If you cheat, you will lose me period". No second chances. I should have explained that being cheated on makes you feel like you are not good enough for your spouse. It wreaks havoc on a marriage and makes the wounded party question everything in the marriage up to that point. Then after the affair, the trust is gone and it is hard to bounce back from that.

2. I need to be more affectionate with the people in my life. I love so deeply in my heart but it takes me a while to "show" with lots of hugs, kisses or physically holding hands or whatnot. That goes in marriage as well as my other interpersonal relationships. I tell my family, friends and boyfriend that I love them but do I really show it? I hold back my emotions a lot for fear of being hurt and rejected because the best defense is a good offense in my mind and I am trying slowly but surely to rid myself of this mentality.

3. If no one helps me in the house with cleaning, washing dishes and doing laundry it really sends me over the edge. I am overwhelmed very easily and all I ask is that you do your fair share and I promise you will be handsomely rewarded. I know how to work on vehicles, cut grass and do "manly chores" the least you can do is wash a freaking dish okay?! I have gotten supremely mad and held it in taking my anger out on everybody but who I was mad at to start with which was usually the husband for not helping.

4. Do not ignore red flags regarding someones behavior! If they cheated with you they will cheat on you. If they won't help with chores now, they won't help with chores later. If they jump from relationship to relationship they do not do well with confrontation and this is a classic sign of avoidance and major emotional baggage. I know, I know, we all have emotional baggage that we should try to work on...I will be the first to say I am a work in progress. Half the battle is self realization, right?

5. YOU cannot fix other people, you can only fix yourself. Examine your feelings, and know your self-worth. You are beautiful, amazing, talented and kind. You have to know this about yourself and love yourself before anyone else can love you. As women, we are bombarded every day with what society says we should look like. Our bodies change as we get older, we have held life inside of our own body and how amazing is that?! Men can't do that, only we women can. It is our heart that makes us beautiful, our soul that makes us shine.

6. If I had my way, I would never get up before noon. The older I get I realize my body is betraying me. On Saturdays I have been waking up by 8a.m. What in the world? I am not a morning person and I never will be. When people look at me and say "Good Morning"  I am slapping them in my mind. (This is a classic example of a behavior that someone has had since they were a child and someone wants them to change this behavior, it ain't happening)

7. I don't want to actually admit this out loud but here goes.....
I am still a hopeless romantic! I will always love a good love story about how people met or how long they have been together. I love that stuff, I pretend like I don't but deep down I freaking love all that sappy stuff. I have made a promise to myself not to let what other people have done to me or what I have done to others ruin any future possibility of happily ever after for me. 

8. Is monogamy even normal? You know marriage is a lot like religion. You have a couple of bad experiences and all of sudden you are against marriage. Same thing happens with religion, you let a few nut cases convince you of something other than what you believe and all of a sudden you are against religion. Questioning everything.....

9. Communication is key! You must tell others what it is that you want. Nobody can read your mind!! If you do want to get married again I say you need to tell this person what makes you sad, mad, overwhelmed, cry and get all that information out in the open so they can make an informed decision about you being in their life for the long haul. In my travels, I have gotten so wrapped up in another person that I forgot about me. I put my needs on the back burner, suffered for it but now realize that shit was my fault. I am not a martyr but I play one on T.V. 

It is amazing the thoughts that swirl around in your brain when you watch two people get married. I am very proud of myself, I congratulated them and didn't offer any advice. I took photos and handed the magistrate the rings and smiled at them because like I said deep down I am a hopeless romantic and they both looked so happy and so in love and it warmed my heart.



#fixtheplus

The Final Cut

I am very upset about the state of some of my friendships. Having friendships with women has always been hard for me. I can count on one hand the women I am friends with. As you all know I got divorced last year. My ex-husband is best friends with my girlfriends husband and they all work together. I keep getting invited to birthday parties that they have or social gatherings but my ex is invited too. Clearly, I do not go because I don't want to force some awkward social situation when I could avoid it all together. I actually had a mutual friend tell me I shouldn't let him being there stop me from going or ruining my friendships with everyone else. Really? I was friends with all of you guys before I ever married him.

I know, I know, we are all grown ups and should be able to socialize without tempers flaring or major drama but I can't bring myself to socialize with him and the new wife. I don't want to! So I usually lie and say I have other stuff to do when I don't. This friendship is in the beginning stages of dying a natural death. Soon, because I don't show up to these social functions, I will stop getting invitations and the closeness of the friendship will drift away. We will still be friends but I'm not going to put any kind of effort into it. 

This is completely one-sided. I haven't spoken to her to tell her how I feel because I just haven't. What's the point?

The Aftermath of Divorce

In the spirit of keeping it real.........

I am not a perfect person. I make mistakes, I yell, I cry and I am civil to people even if they screw me over. That is the way I was raised. To treat others the way I want to be treated. 

My ex husband pays me child support every month. It is not taken out of his check, his new wife gives it to me. I have not went to social services because I know when I do he will stop paying me. I am waiting until next month, when I get tax money, to go to social services and have it taken directly out of his pay. The reason why is he gets his new wife to give me the child support when it is convenient for him. Their reasoning for paying me when they feel like it is because they have bills to pay. (He is court ordered to pay an amount every two weeks so it breaks it up) I actually work around the idea that he is not going to pay me so that I don't depend on the money. I know I will get it, but usually it is towards the end of the month anyway.  It is true that he has to provide health insurance also and he pays that out of pocket, but once again, I didn't ask him to be a cheating wanker.

This feels like a power play on his part. He doesn't talk to me, he makes his new wife talk to me and it is ridiculous. He doesn't have the balls to talk to me himself. I am frustrated with both of them! I am frustrated because I have to be "nice" and play well with others but they keep changing the rules of the game and it isn't fair. He is so spineless and she loves him so she is super defensive. It feels like the son we have together is getting lost in the shuffle of it all. I know I am on my blog ranting, but I do not speak against either one of them in front of our son. I want him to grow up and form his own opinion about his father with no help from me. 

When I try to speak my opinion, it's like oh I am against the ex and his new wife, poor them, they are just innocent victims of circumstance. I am a money grubbing monster that doesn't want them to be happy, blah, blah, blah. The friends that I had when I was married to him are beginning to hang out with both of them and they say "Oh, she's not so bad", and I know this but they didn't give me child support on Friday but they can go to the movies on Saturday. Really? When you are married you are one, right? He is making her be the heavy and she doesn't even realize it, I can see so much of who I used to be in her. I don't like her because she showed me NO MERCY, NO COMPASSION, NO NOTHING! She is under the delusion that he is never going to do anything bad to her because he loves her, he married her and his first wife (me) is a monster that he had to run away from. They are looking out for their own interests, which doesn't surprise me, because this is what divorce does to families. I found this on the internet when I was really hurting (2014) and I want to share it............


My perspective is from that of the OW who became the new wife. I hope this helps someone.

You will get to be responsible for destroying the life of another woman. You will get to be responsible for destroying the lives of all children involved. No, children are not resilient. They are sponges and take in everything around them whether they are capable of processing it or not. And when they are not able to process their world being shattered and all the conflicting messages about right and wrong, you will get to deal with all their issues and mistakes and anger as they grow up. You will have to know all the while that whatever is happening is a direct result of your selfishness. If the child fails at school, can’t control their anger, becomes promiscuous, falls into addictions, can’t maintain good relationships of their own you get to know in the back of your mind and deep in your soul that you are responsible for what molded that child. Whether you admit it or not, you WILL know. You will not be able to fix this; it will not work out, smooth over, or ever be okay. Even if you look like the Cleavers on the surface it is under there bubbling and will come out. Don’t think you are special and you will escape this result.

Maybe right now you are in a place where you are in deep denial about the children and you don’t give a crap about the BW. Let me appeal to your sense of selfishness then and tell you what you personally are going to suffer in the years to come…

You are marrying a cheater. Someone who didn’t like what they had at home so they went looking for something better. Or maybe you offered him something better? It doesn’t really matter who started it, who lied more, it doesn’t even really matter if you were tricked into a relationship not knowing he was married at first. Your consequences will be the same. You now have a spouse who gave up one family and chose you and yours. Feels great right? Think again. How long do you think it will take before you stop feeling like a prize?

The minute things go wrong, and face it, in all marriages there are these times, he is going to be looking at you and wondering if you were worth it. And you will feel it. Even if he doesn’t say it right out. He is going to realize that this marriage requires just as much work as the old one did and you are not nearly as perfect in real life as he thought you were and he is going to be angry for what he has sacrificed for you. Now you get to be insecure and feel like you are always fighting to be worth it to him.

You are going to be labeled as the [censored] for the entire rest of your life. No matter what changes or personal revelations you come to, you will be the [censored] that wrecked a home and stole a husband. There will be innumerable family conflicts over this. You are likely to have his kids hating your guts forever. This means that every holiday, school concert, soccer game, big family event like graduations and weddings, and grandkids (yes, it will last that far and long) will be sources of conflict instead of happy times.

You will probably not be invited to a lot of things that your spouse should be attending with his children. You may show up anyway, asserting your position as the new wife. But it will be a conflict. You spouse will have to over and over choose between you and his original family. He is going to resent you for this. You are going to get so tired of constantly being the center of conflict and so tired of all the hate directed at you and no one is going to sympathize with you. When you do impose yourself where the BW and her children and extended family and friends are you will feel the scarlet letter that you wear burning in your chest no matter how high you try to hold your head. I promise you, you will. You and your stolen spouse will fight over this more than you can imagine in the years to come.

And guess what?! When he starts to pull away from you and works late more, or isn’t insatiable in bed with you anymore, or cuts his hair a new way you are going to be terrified. You are going to be terrified because you know exactly what he might be doing next. You are going to be suspicious probably before he actually even does anything because you already know he is untrustworthy.

Chances are he is going to cheat again too. Except this time on you. Now, you get to feel the pain of being a BW doubled by the pain of realizing exactly what you did to someone else. The guilt and shame on top of your already devastating pain from being cheated on will be unbearable. Now listen to this closely NO ONE IS GOING TO CARE!! You are going to hear and know that you should have known better and have the old adages about cheaters thrown in your face over and over. You will not be able to come somewhere like these boards for support because they are going to crucify you! You will be all alone with your pain and your heartache with no one to blame but yourself.

Do not think you are special. DO NOT THINK IT WON’THAPPEN TO YOU!!!!!!!!!! The stats are overwhelmingly high. No one gets married thinking that their spouse will cheat. No one. I promise you are not different or better somehow.

Occasionally an affair partner will grow a conscience and want to be a good person and here is what happens…

Now, let’s say that you make changes in your heart and your life. Let say you find God or in whatever way it comes to you, you realize that you have done something horrendous. Okay, now you actually do care about those kids and that BW. Well too bad. You can’t fix it. Yes, God will forgive you if you repent. Not many others will. And you will have one heck of a time trying to forgive yourself. You will feel sick and ashamed all the time. You will cry many bitter tears.

You will not be able to look at your spouse and feel the same way you once did. All of your memories of when you first met, your first kiss, the early days of your relationship will be tainted. All of those memories that are supposed to be sweet will be sour. You will not be able to enjoy them because you know that whole time it was wrong, wrong, wrong! What are you left with? Not much.

You are going to try to offer apologies, you are going to try to figure out what you can possibly do to make amends and there are going to be no easy answers. You will be told by many that you can’t repent and stay married. You will be told by just as many that if God has forgiven you that another divorce would be just another sin. You will make yourself crazy over this because you want to do the right thing for once in your life and you have put yourself in a situation where it is impossible to know what that it.

Also, if you are one of the few who have this attack of conscience at some point down the road, you are still going to be dealing with all the same stuff above that the unremorseful affair partner is dealing with except it’s probably going to hurt you even more because you now genuinely care. Too bad no one will think you are sincere or trust your words. Why should they, remember what you did?? Of course you do, now go cry some more as if it will help.

There are no time machines people!! You are making a mess bigger than you can ever clean up!!

There is really a lot more I could say about how this is going to play out but this is already getting very long.

Like I said, this is from my perspective but just change the pronouns and it is the same for anyone entering into an adulterous relationship. Man or woman, whether you are the WW, WH, AP, it’s going to end in ruin.

You have been warned.

And if anyone out there is currently involved in waywardness and wants to ask me something, fire away! I will answer any and everything asked if it will get you to stop what you are doing and reconcile your family before it is too late.

Unfortunately if you are already married to your AP don’t bother asking me. I can’t help you because I cannot help myself. I live in the ruins of my own creation. You like me should have seen the light sooner. Sorry.

To the BS out there who may read this, I can only hope that knowing that your spouse is not going to be happy and their AP is not going to be happy helps you feel a little bit vindicated. I promise you that even if they look like the picture of happiness on the outside they are not. They have a cancer eating their souls. You can have a better life. They won’t.

NewCreation2011http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2478315

 

Flaws

I have come to the conclusion that I am seriously flawed. I have always known this deep down but I try to hide it. Don't we all? Whenever meeting new people or in the beginning of new relationships the best qualities possessed by a person are thrown to the forefront. As stated by Chris Rock "When you first start dating somebody, you ain't dating them, you are dating their representative, the person they wish they could be". I love that line because it is the truth!

Recently, I have begun dating again. Or should I say I have met someone. He is genuine, nice, honest and he seems to have a good heart. He really likes me too, which is scary. Why is it scary you ask? I didn't date for over a year waiting for my divorce to be final before I jumped back in the dating pool again. The dating scene has changed so much since I was in my twenties. I never had game anyway, so this is painfully new to me. There are dating apps on cell phones, websites, etc. Doesn't anyone meet through friends or at a social event anymore? Obviously not!!

This guy though, I am brutally honest with him and I haven't tried to hide my ugly at all. The first time I met him, I wore no makeup and had on old clothes because I was cleaning up my house that day. I stood in front of him and said "This is me, and this is what I really look like"! He seemed to appreciate my candor.  On our first date I introduced him to my kids briefly so that he could see that I am a Mother and if he wanted to run he could do so. I emphasize briefly because I did not want it to be a big to do. We were going out on a date and I invited him in and introduced him to them and eight minutes later we were leaving. 

I am taking my time getting to know him and I am very honest about what I want. Believe me, as an older, more sophisticated woman I have no qualms in asking for what I want anymore. I couldn't do that when I was in my early twenties. I always bent over backwards to please a man for fear that he would not like me anymore. Why do we as women do that? 

Anyway, he makes me laugh. It feels so good to laugh again at stupid stuff. I always joke with him about how flawed I am and how I try to be my authentic self with him. No watered down version, but my true self, flaws and all. I have the tendency to build up walls and not let anyone in and I have told him about that. I told him I pee in the shower too...lol. 

GoodBye

Dear Bo, 

I'm sitting here, staring at a blank page on the computer. I want to write something really profound to you, so you understand how I feel today. Of course, you will never be sent this letter because I'm sure you don't care but I have to say this for my sanity.

Today is our divorce date, July 7, 2015. Today is the day I will officially let you go. I will try not to be sad anymore or think about what our life could have been like, what it should have been like.

You are getting remarried again in a couple of weeks, and guess what? You will think of me on your wedding day. It's only natural, after all, you have done this once before. You will be a little scared because your first marriage ended and you will wonder what the years have in store for your second. You don't know the answer to that, only time will tell what kind of marriage it will be. 

My greatest hope for you is that you learn to love yourself better so that you can truly love those around you. Good luck and I hope you find what you are looking for.

Goodbye, 
JoAnne

Letting Go

I am feeling slightly hostile today and appreciative at the same time. Is that even possible? The emotions that I feel some days are winding down and they are not all over the place anymore. The only time they are like a roller coaster is when I have some sort of "drama" with certain people.

It occurred to me yesterday that there are some people in the world who are always going to think that somebody somewhere owes them something. They are always right and the rest of us have no idea what the hell we are talking about or doing. You cannot converse with people that have this mindset, because your words and actions will always be twisted to suit their needs or their vision of who and what you are. 

Then there are people that cry or tear up when somebody somewhere does something nice for them because they are so used to being treated like shit. Or when someone compliments them on their appearance or even if they are just nice it comes as a shock. That person has to dig deep to believe in the hope that there are still nice people in the world. 

I spoke to my first ex-husband yesterday. He told me that I really was a good woman and that he was sorry for what he did to me all those years ago. He said he was in a bad place but he has his life back on track now, he is married to woman that he loves and all is right in his world. I also like the woman he is married to because she loves our son and that is enough for me. Maybe one day, the second ex-husband will be gracious enough to say he is sorry for all the pain he has caused but in my heart I doubt it. 

I hate this. I hate that now as of July 7, 2015 this will be my second divorce. Twice in a lifetime I have loved and been given the boot. LOL! At this point in my life, I never want to get married again. I don't want to live with anybody either. I'm happy just having a friend that I can hang out with sometimes. I have to tell myself everyday that I cannot, I repeat, I cannot hold what other men have done to me against the next man. 

I am not perfect. I have done wrong also, but I didn't deserve the blatant disrespect. I never hung out in the club, the street or anywhere. I worked, I came home, I took care of the house and kids and the husband. My worst crime was yelling and complaining about how I needed help. Then I would get that bitch mentality and assume everybody's role because if I wanted it to get done I figured I should do it all myself. That's where I hurt myself, the marriage, all of it. In my next life I am going to be a really prissy girl damn it! 

I am saying all of these things to unload it off my chest, to write it all down, because somehow it helps cleanse my soul of all the negativity and anger. Somehow it all really does remind me of that song by Coldplay......"When she was just girl, she expected the world, but it flew away from her reach, and the bullets catch in her teeth, life goes on it gets so heavy, the wheel breaks the butterfly, every tear a waterfall, In the night the stormy night, she'll close her eyes, in the night the stormy night away she'd fly and dream of para, para, paradise".............................

Cautiously Optimistic

As you all know, I am going through a divorce. My divorce will be final as of July 7, 2015. I haven't dated anyone throughout the separation because I wanted to do this "right". The feeling of one day I will have to stand before my maker and explain myself, I figured maybe it will look good for me to have been faithful to my husband during this time. Plus, the demise of the marriage broke my heart and I couldn't entertain the idea of another. Even though, if God is who I think he is, I probably will not be able to explain, because he knows what is in my heart without me saying a word. 

Anyway, I have met someone. I met him for the first time last Saturday and he is the friend of a friend. When we met we talked and he actually asked me out on a date. The date is going to be on July 3, 2015. My rationale is that I am almost divorced and there is nothing left to do but wait for the court date and that day the divorce decree will be signed and I will officially be free. I was absolutely honest with him and where I am in the process. I am cautiously optimistic about this date because he made me laugh. I am going to take this one day at a time and see what happens. It could end in disaster or I might just make a really good friend...who knows?

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 https://fromthedeskofmardrag.wordpress.com/tag/new-beginnings/

Link for the clip art at the beginning of page.

An Ex Is An Ex For A Reason

I was contacted by my soon to be ex-husband today and of course he is on a tirade about how I am going to ruin his wedding and he will be a out few grand and he is going to sue me.

1. I told him that if we filed for divorce by June 12, 2015 and he came by our office and accepted service, then waived his 30 days, we could be divorced before his July 25, 2015 wedding date. All he had to do was pay the filing fee. ($225.00)

2. I told him this two months ago and now it's June 15th and I haven't seen any money yet. I even spoke to the woman he is going to marry and explained the situation to her. Of course every word I spoke has been turned around and now he calling me threatening me. 

3. He is just mad because she sees now he is a liar. He lies about everything. Every word out of his mouth is a lie and I am not taking the fall for his lies. He is trying to tell me he is going to sue me and the attorney if he has to move his wedding date. I told him he shouldn't have set a wedding date until he got divorced from me. (Some people do not have any common courtesy) She said she is sick of his lying....but you know she will marry him anyway, because she is dismissing the red flags, but that's her problem not mine anymore. Why else would he be calling me raising all kinds of hell? Because she threw a hissy fit and he is trying to twist it all around and place all the blame on me.

4. I want my divorce so bad, but I refuse to pay for it. I'm not the one getting remarried before the ink even has a chance to dry on the paperwork. 

5. I haven't dated anyone the whole time we have been separated. I have it in my mind that I cannot have a relationship with one person until I'm finished with the last person. But, that's just me. 

6. I know this stuff is personal but I don't want my kids to hear me complaining about this stuff so I'm venting on my blog.  

******Update: The money has been paid and I will be filing today, June 16, 2015. Woo Hoo***********

You Can't Keep A Good Woman Down

I am at fault! That's right...I said it. I have been mistreated by the men that I have loved because I did not set standards for myself. That's right...I said it. I have always been a good girl at heart, never sleeping around, trying not to be stank, and I had men pursue me and marry me. But, I haven't been able to keep them. Why? Because I did not set standards for how I wanted to be treated. 

I tell you what though, I am setting standards for myself now. I will not be used, I will not be lied to or lied on, I will not give up the cookie, I will have respect for myself. That's what has been wrong with me the last few years. I had no self-worth and no self-respect. I thought I had to put up with being disrespected, ignored, and cheated on because I was married and that's what married people do. You work things out, even when you are miserable, right? 

I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR! I WILL BE RESPECTED, I WILL BE HAPPY WITH WHO I AM BECAUSE YOU CAN'T KEEP A GOOD WOMAN DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Beginning and The End

I woke up this morning and the sky was a bit gray and I swear I was feeling okay. Then, a flashback of a time when I thought myself to be happy. He is there, walking up behind me in the kitchen, wrapping his arms around me and hugging me from behind. He lays his head on my shoulder or nuzzles my neck and I smile, feeling loved. 

I'm standing on the front porch at our house and I hear his car coming up the driveway and he gets out and his arm is behind his back. He has a huge grin and he pulls his arm from behind his back and he has a bunch of wild orange lilies and he presents them to me. My first instinct is to jump in his arms, but I hesitate, I hug and kiss him instead.  

We are practically nose to nose and he is angry. He is telling me how he will only be married just once and that is to me. I tell him he hasn't loved, honored or cherished me in a long time. We are both so angry, there is so much hurt. How did it come to this?

He is at home laying on the bed, I come in and ask him about his new "love" interest. He says he is confused, he doesn't know what he wants anymore. I instinctively know it isn't me and part of me is relieved. 

I have to tell you about these memories. Sometimes I feel as if they are suffocating me, taunting me. I want them to go away and at the same time I want to feel them, but from a disconnected place. Those memories are in a strange place in my subconscious, swirling around with all the other bits and pieces of memories from here and there.

The Sting of Divorce (Caution - Bad Language)

I'm on a bit of a rant today, so I thought I'd share......................

1. I spoke with my estranged husband today and he and his new love interest have set a wedding date for July 25, 2015. Really? We aren't even divorced yet. Guess what? In the state of North Carolina when you go apply for a marriage license, if you have been divorced in the last 60 days, you have to show a copy of your divorce decree that has been signed by the Judge before you can get that license. I told him we cannot file for divorce until June 12, 2015. He can waive his 30 days after he accepts service but that still does not mean we will be divorced before that wedding date. I told the girls in the office that I want to try my best to have it done before then. Because who am I to stand in the way of true love? (That's me being a sarcastic BITCH!)

2. This hurts. He promised me he would love me until the day I died. Well, I'm still breathing! And I'm telling you, I am okay with him moving on but he is advancing in this relationship with her at fucking warp speed. He had the BALLS to say to me that I could go to the wedding. REALLY? I told him no thanks! He told me I could go because our son, who is age 10, is going to be one of his best men. That's great. I want our son to participate in his dad's big day. But we need to make arrangements in advance so that I do not have to go to the church and pick up our son. Why doesn't he just take a knife and stab me in the heart? I swear, I think that would hurt less.

 

3. It is going to take me a long time to get over being raked over the coals. Nobody understands how shitty all this makes me feel and nobody gives a fuck. I gave this man 11 years of my life, and it's like he is shooting me the bird saying oh well who cares? He moves on with the woman he cheated on me with and they skin and grin in my damn face! It is not right. Where is KARMA?

I'm not sorry for saying any of this. If you are offended, OH WELL!

Paradise

I have heard the song Paradise by Coldplay playing everywhere here lately. As I am typing this I can hear the melody in my head. I listened to that song quite a bit back last summer when the world was exploding around me. When I would listen to it I could actually imagine being in the center of an explosion and glass flying everywhere, except it was in slow motion and I felt numb. This song just speaks to my soul. When I was a young girl, I dreamed of paradise, a world where I was going to find my prince charming and live happily ever after. I would imagine what my future husband would look like and wonder what kind of man he would be. Now here I am at 40 years old going through my second divorce. Everyday I let go of another piece of him and I know my paradise is going to be the peace that I will feel one day when the showers of this storm in my life have faded. Just like the song implies, the sun will rise again. That song just makes me feel......

JoAnne

Purging My Soul

I am very sore today. I have been moving my belongings out of a storage unit I've had for the past 5 years. Some of the things I found I forgot I had. My hips, hands and back are sore. I also made sure that even though I was moving all this stuff that I still got on my elliptical. I am still only doing 15 minutes a day until I can build up to 30.

On another note, I don't know if this is the right venue for this but I feel the need to purge. What I mean by that is that I need an outlet for all the emotions I am feeling as I am trying to lose weight and come to terms with the end of my second marriage. I know my friends are tired of hearing me go on rants about the unfairness of it all or what new drama seems to be unfolding. Sometimes it is really quiet on his end but then his fiancee starts up and then it is drama central. Usually it is the other way around, baby mama drama but not in this case. I feel like my ex and his new love don't want to see this situation from my point of view.

 Do you know how hard it has been to know that he loves another, and what we had is now history. I know the last few years weren't great, but what helped me to hold on was that I knew that he loved me. I found old letters, notes and cards he gave to me in the storage unit. I will put those things in an album somewhere and forget they exist, tell myself I am saving them for my son someday....Although my son will probably not want those things because they are of sentimental value to me only. Who knows?

There are just so many emotions that one goes through when a legal separation or divorce is on the horizon. Sometimes it can feel as if you have failed. Sometimes it can feel as if a great weight has been lifted. What people don't understand is that you have to grieve for your loss. You grieve for what could have been and what should have been. I have seen many movies in recent years that talk about how woman have journeyed through divorce and come out sparkling on the other side. I remember in the beginning my ex had paid for me a trip to London, England for my 40th birthday. I went on the trip and as that plane was taking off from the runway in Raleigh, North Carolina I had my nose to the glass and my eyes wide open. I actually got a bit misty eyed too. I guess I felt a little bit like I was running away but I just needed to get as far away as I possibly could. We both hurt each other. I am not an innocent victim in all this, I played my part in the demise of our marriage too. I guess I just want to look deeper and understand myself better and why I react the way I do to certain things.

I am positive about my future, but I do have these things lurking around in the back of my mind all the time. It really isn't in the forefront so much anymore. The weight loss does play into this as well. I am eventually going to start dating again, when I am ready and I really want to put the best version of myself out there.

JoAnne

Positivity

The sun is shining and today is a good day....hehe I hear that Ice Cube song in my head...today was a good day. Anyway, I feel pretty good today because I exercised on the elliptical yesterday. Right now I am doing 15 minutes a day until I can work myself up to 30 minutes. My rationalization is that I need to work myself up to 30 minutes after a week then after that try doing it for an hour. I would be happy to listen to any suggestions that anyone might have. All you have to do is leave me a comment in the box below.

I'm also feeling pretty good mentally. My tax money has arrived and I am paying off bills and I have bought some things for my children. I have also gotten into my old storage unit where a good portion of my belongings have been for the past four and half years. This is stuff that I am sifting through, mainly looking for all my old photos and such. My ex will be picking up his things once I am through getting my stuff. I am very proud that I have not cried opening the unit, I am just so happy to see my old things mostly because it has sentimental value not monetary value. Some of this stuff I have been carrying around since I left home at age 17. I feel like all the dust is beginning to settle now as I am truly looking forward to what my new future has to offer.

JoAnne