Monday, May 18, 2015

The Beginning and The End

I woke up this morning and the sky was a bit gray and I swear I was feeling okay. Then, a flashback of a time when I thought myself to be happy. He is there, walking up behind me in the kitchen, wrapping his arms around me and hugging me from behind. He lays his head on my shoulder or nuzzles my neck and I smile, feeling loved. 

I'm standing on the front porch at our house and I hear his car coming up the driveway and he gets out and his arm is behind his back. He has a huge grin and he pulls his arm from behind his back and he has a bunch of wild orange lilies and he presents them to me. My first instinct is to jump in his arms, but I hesitate, I hug and kiss him instead.  

We are practically nose to nose and he is angry. He is telling me how he will only be married just once and that is to me. I tell him he hasn't loved, honored or cherished me in a long time. We are both so angry, there is so much hurt. How did it come to this?

He is at home laying on the bed, I come in and ask him about his new "love" interest. He says he is confused, he doesn't know what he wants anymore. I instinctively know it isn't me and part of me is relieved. 

I have to tell you about these memories. Sometimes I feel as if they are suffocating me, taunting me. I want them to go away and at the same time I want to feel them, but from a disconnected place. Those memories are in a strange place in my subconscious, swirling around with all the other bits and pieces of memories from here and there.