The Beginning and The End

I woke up this morning and the sky was a bit gray and I swear I was feeling okay. Then, a flashback of a time when I thought myself to be happy. He is there, walking up behind me in the kitchen, wrapping his arms around me and hugging me from behind. He lays his head on my shoulder or nuzzles my neck and I smile, feeling loved. 

I'm standing on the front porch at our house and I hear his car coming up the driveway and he gets out and his arm is behind his back. He has a huge grin and he pulls his arm from behind his back and he has a bunch of wild orange lilies and he presents them to me. My first instinct is to jump in his arms, but I hesitate, I hug and kiss him instead.  

We are practically nose to nose and he is angry. He is telling me how he will only be married just once and that is to me. I tell him he hasn't loved, honored or cherished me in a long time. We are both so angry, there is so much hurt. How did it come to this?

He is at home laying on the bed, I come in and ask him about his new "love" interest. He says he is confused, he doesn't know what he wants anymore. I instinctively know it isn't me and part of me is relieved. 

I have to tell you about these memories. Sometimes I feel as if they are suffocating me, taunting me. I want them to go away and at the same time I want to feel them, but from a disconnected place. Those memories are in a strange place in my subconscious, swirling around with all the other bits and pieces of memories from here and there.

London, Part 5

**Start at the beginning: Part 1 London, England

Due to the drastic change in time, I only slept about 4 hours. I got up and went outside and was able to smell the cool night air and just contemplate how far I had traveled. I was in England and so excited and couldn't wait for the morning when I could go explore.

I started out early that morning at about 9 a.m. I was told I should give everyone time to get to work before getting on the tube. The first thing I did was try to follow the map to no avail. Everything is spread out more than I expected. I do believe I walked a country mile. As I was walking I came across Tower Bridge. I just kind of stumbled across it and it was a beautiful sight.

I walked around so much that day and saw so many historical sights and it was amazing. That day I also walked across the Millennium Bridge and at different intervals of the bridge there were people cooking peanuts. The smell of the peanuts, the warm sunshine and the music you could hear while walking down to the Tate Modern Museum was electric. I can close my eyes and immediately I am taken back to that amazing day in London and I swear I left a part of my heart there.

To Be Continued.......................London: Part 6

Positivity

The sun is shining and today is a good day....hehe I hear that Ice Cube song in my head...today was a good day. Anyway, I feel pretty good today because I exercised on the elliptical yesterday. Right now I am doing 15 minutes a day until I can work myself up to 30 minutes. My rationalization is that I need to work myself up to 30 minutes after a week then after that try doing it for an hour. I would be happy to listen to any suggestions that anyone might have. All you have to do is leave me a comment in the box below.

I'm also feeling pretty good mentally. My tax money has arrived and I am paying off bills and I have bought some things for my children. I have also gotten into my old storage unit where a good portion of my belongings have been for the past four and half years. This is stuff that I am sifting through, mainly looking for all my old photos and such. My ex will be picking up his things once I am through getting my stuff. I am very proud that I have not cried opening the unit, I am just so happy to see my old things mostly because it has sentimental value not monetary value. Some of this stuff I have been carrying around since I left home at age 17. I feel like all the dust is beginning to settle now as I am truly looking forward to what my new future has to offer.

JoAnne