Monday, July 30, 2018

Venting Is Good For The Soul

Dear Diary:

My biggest fear since early childhood has been abandonment. My mother abandoned me when I was four years old and I have never quite recovered.  

I heard my ex husband moved to Florida and my stomach is in knots. How could he leave our son without so much as a goodbye? Does he not understand the damage that abandonment does to a person? He actually left him alone two years ago; he told him to call him when he wanted to see him. No calls on his birthday and only sees him for ten minutes at Christmas. He is a narcissist and deep down the narcissist is terrified of being abandoned so he abandons everyone and everything before they can abandon him. Well, the best defense is a good offense, or so I've been told. 

I have been dreaming about my ex husband this week. I dreamed he and the new wife had a baby. What a nightmare! I keep thinking that I see him around town and it is very unsettling. Why I am torturing myself with this nonsense? I swear I have let him go, but sometimes he creeps into my subconscious and I can't shake him. 

Maybe I am thinking of our son and how I have had to assure him that I not going anywhere and that I am always here for him. Or how sometimes he eats and eats to try and fill this invisible void inside himself. I think of quitting smoking and losing weight with such urgency now. I have to live to be at least 110 so I know that our son is going to be taken care of. 

I am typing all these words but none of the words seem to convey how heavy all this seems to me some days. I am only venting here because most of the time all this is some of the madness that swirls around in my brain. There is no one to tell how I feel about it all so I hold it all in and get on with the business of living. 

Thursday, February 15, 2018

No Shock in Recent School Shooting

I'm sitting here watching CNN as many others are today.  It is horrible what took place in Parkland, Florida yesterday.  Listening to interviews of students who lived through the traumatic event. Sixteen years old, Addison Jost (Addy), is talking about what transpired an she made a statement that really floored me, but didn't surprise me... She expressed that she wasn't surprised because this sorta thing is happening so much.

Would you be, really deep down, be truly surprised if it happened in your community?  I know I am thankful that it hasn't in mine, but it wouldn't shock me to the extent it should if it did, and that is SAD in America!

I  have sat at work and heard it on the television most of the day, hearing our leaders in our country avoid discussing "Gun Violence".  This pisses me off! every time this happens, we hear this.  Weeks and months go by and NOTHING happens to control any of the issues (not just gun control) that contribute in EVERY case!  Then it happens again... 

Something has to be done and our leaders have to quit putting the conversation of Gun Control & Mental Health on hold!

My hearts and Payers go out to all the families, friends, and community of Parkland, Florida.

Tuesday, February 6, 2018

Killer Winkles

This is Killer Winkles. He came into my family in 2010 or 2011. I got him when he was a puppy, maybe 6 to 8 weeks old. I nursed him from a tiny bottle and treated him like he was human. I never knew I could love an animal the way that I love him. 

My oldest son called me at work last Wednesday to tell me he had found him dead outside. He was only about 7 years old and he was in great health. It looks like somebody shot him with a pellet gun. My poor baby, I feel so bad because I was not there to comfort him. I have cried and cried for my dog. 

I would tell him to give me hugs and he would lay his head on my neck and love me. He would sleep cuddled up on my bed at my feet or he would actually lay on a pillow that I had on the bed. He was the first dog I ever had that actually loved me. I will miss him so much!

Thursday, October 5, 2017

Feeling Accomplished

The past few months have been chaotic.. well busy!  I have had a lot going on with everything deciding to break at my house to have overcome some great obstacles as well!

Most of you know that I went back to school and got my BA in IT with Web Design focus.  AND most of you know that I have been stuck and not really doing anything with it since I graduated 3 years ago!  However, that is really changing and I mean rapidly!!

A few months back I was referred my 1st client, by a friend.  A guy running for Sheriff wanted a simple site for his campaign.  I have to say that is my first one, I was proud and it turned out nice.  The client was happy and that's pretty much what matters, right!!??

Shortly after I was contacted by Client #1 who asked if I could contact a lady who loved his site and wanted her own for her campaign.  I contacted her, and she wanted me to build hers. I showed her a mock-up site and she loved it, with a few tweaks she was published and ready to go!  I have to say that I was happier with the 2nd site, it looked better and I could see my growth.

The day I shared that I was having that meeting on my Social Media, I got a message from a friend who wanted to meet with me to discuss one for her... Could I possibly have another client so soon?  Well, it turns out that I did!!     :)

This one was going to be a challenge though, one that would push me more than the two before.  It's a lawyer, but she wanted her site to be personable, not cold (her words) like most lawyer/law firm sites she had seen.  You see her story is unique... she lost her son and that drove her to the career she has today; she wanted her visitors to know that about her through her site.  It's inspiring!

I have been working on her site for a while (very close to 2 months) and it is about to be published next week (hopefully).  I am excited because it is beautifully portrayed and we got it exactly how she envisioned, AND I'm proud of the site!  I learned today that the Law Firm that she works for will be linking her site from her page on their's... this is BIG!!  I mean a major law firm will have a site that I will link to one I created, that will be tons of exposer to my work!!

I am proud of all that I have accomplished these past few months.  I finally feel like all the hard work in school wasn't a waste and that I may actually be able to do something with this degree (and pay off some of that debt lol).

I am proud of All 3 sites, but each time they have been better... but I am loving this last one so much that I am wondering if I will ever top it!!

I'm feeling accomplished, and just wanted to share it with you all who listened to all the struggle along the way!

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

The Good Doctor - My Review

As the parent of a child on the Autism Spectrum I like to watch movies or read books that portray autistic people. The reason I do this is so I can have a better understanding of how autistic people think. I have also gotten into reading blogs of autistic adults that share their point of view on a variety of topics. 

Last night ABC aired a program called "The Good Doctor". I was excited about watching this new drama to see how autism is portrayed. One of the first things about the show I disliked is the good doctor is a savant. Why must all autistic individuals be portrayed as savants? That is not the case in real life.

What I did like about the show is the way different aspects of the interpersonal relationships between the good doctors parents, other children and his sibling were portrayed. He and his brother got along very well. His brother "looked out" for him and protected him from the cruelty of others. The screaming match between the parents made me cringe a little because it rang true. It showed the good doctor remembering being bullied and what that felt like for him.  

Another part of the show that I liked was how he noticed the small things. He noticed how he was treated and didn't understand why. Or how different abstract objects have a smell like the copper pipes or how the rain makes everything smell different. The stemming he does with his hands. These are the characteristics that make sense to me as an autistic parent. 

It looks like it will be the typical medical program with gorgeous leading men and women, steamy affairs and such. Will the premise of the show somehow get lost in the shuffle of all that? I will tune in and see if this program hooks me because so far I am skeptical but hopeful.

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

An Open Letter To School Shooters

Dear teenager, 

I know how it feels to be picked on in school. My middle school years were horrendous. I suffered abuse from a tyrannical step-mother and then I was picked on at school for having my hair short, or not wearing the clothes that were in style, or basically for not being a "cool" kid. There were so many days that I tried to blend into the walls so no one could see me. 

It all started in about the fourth grade. I stole something that didn't belong to me. Of course everyone knew. What may surprise you is this was the 80's so it wasn't live streamed or put on facebook, it was strictly word of mouth. As you probably have learned by now, when something is spread by word of mouth, and it is negative, it spreads like wildfire. No one wanted to be my friend after that. Who could blame them? This incident happened in Elementary school so in my eyes it only plays a small part. 

Then came middle school. Yikes, those awkward preteen/becoming a teen years. See, I was different than the other girls. I wasn't allowed to wear make-up, shave my legs, or date until I was 16. That automatically made me a freak. You will never know the shame and embarrassment of a senile teacher actually thinking you are a boy and the whole class erupts into laughter. Writing and thinking about that day still makes me cringe and I am 43 years old and that happened when I was 13. Short hair and a flat chest....bad combo. I was teased relentlessly for stupid stuff.  

By the time I made to eighth grade, the bullying was too much. I couldn't take it anymore. Then one day my best friend decided we were not going to be friends anymore. She came into the locker room and actually pushed me down. I looked her in her eyes and told her that I was not going to fight her. See, I knew she had been hanging around one of my tormentors for a couple of weeks and that girl was trying to talk her against me. Well, after she knocked me down, I went into the locker room next door and another girl got in my face. This time, she had 10 other girls behind her. I completely snapped! I told her to bring it on and that I would whoop everybody's ass that day. I must have looked as crazy as I felt, because her and the other girls backed down and she pointed at me and said "you're crazy". After that day, nobody messed with me ever again.  

So the moral of this long drawn out story is this......

You can stand up for yourself without taking a gun and killing or wounding somebody. All it takes is for you to have some self-respect and let the bullies know you are not going to take their crap. Also, as cliched as it sounds.......nine times out of ten you will never see any of them again after you graduate.

Thursday, September 14, 2017

Hunger - Book Review

I was browsing through the library a few days ago and this book caught my eye. When I began to read it, I could not put it down. Roxane Gay writes a memoir of her body and I felt she could have been writing about my body. She begins her book by stating that this story is the story of her body and it is her body's truth.  

To me, she was saying that in our society fat people are not accepted. As women, we are told to sit with our docile little hands in our docile little laps and not take up space. The societal norm is that we women were put here for the enjoyment of men or rather we should be pleasing to look at. To me, a prime example of this is the "shaming" culture that we live in. 

To further illustrate: The Duchess of Cambridge is pregnant with her third child right now. She is being shamed all over the internet for choosing to have another child, after having consensual sex with her husband. If she doesn't gain enough weight while pregnant she will be shamed, if she doesn't lose the weight after the baby fast enough she will be shamed, if she looks to skinny she will be shamed and if she comes out of the hospital and doesn't cover her bump up after having the baby she will be shamed. Why?

Another example of this is my best friend. After she had her second child her boyfriend told her she better lose the weight she gained while pregnant. She wouldn't eat all day, then would drink a Dr. Pepper and I would be riding in a car with her and I remember her stopping every fifteen minutes or so to vomit!

This book has really made me think about how I see my body. Go out today and check this book out at your local library. It is interesting, raw, uncensored and truthful.

Monday, July 31, 2017

Becoming a Stepmom at 40

In February, my life changed!  I wasn't sure how it would result in the end and my emotions were all over the place on how Life would change.

Most of you know what happened, but for those who don't I will share some quoted text from that time....
I have been married for almost 20 years, the end of this year on our anniversary.  We have been together on and off since we were 14 years old and I love that man more that life itself! We have had our issues here and there over the years (who hasn't), but nothing that we could not overcome!  Recently he got a new friend request on social media, not knowing the person but they had many mutual family members so he thought it could be someone related.  After accepting the request he received a message from her asking if he remembered her mom and threw a curve-ball that we never could have seen coming!!  She thinks he could be HER DAD!

About 2 - 2 1/2 years before we were married we had gone our separate ways and I was actually dating someone else.  He had a one-night-stand with a lady that was a few years older, her mom.  He used protection and never thought much more about it, until now!
After returning home from our trip to do the DNA test my emotions were all over the place, knowing there was a chance that he could have a child older than mine and all the other things that accompanied that were so overwhelming!  I decided to mail the test in by 2 day mail in order to get the results faster, some how this seemed as though it would be better... or would it!?
Never in my Life was I so conflicted about opening a download!  All of the emotions were flowing in at once.. how would we feel if the results were that my husband had a daughter we never knew about until now?  How would we feel if she wasn't his?  How would we explain this to our girls?
This journey has been so much of an emotional roller coaster that I didn't even know if I wanted to know the answer; but I knew I had to suck it up and face this head on!
My husband was able to see the results first and then he turned it to show me...
The emotion roller coaster then shifted direction to a whole new direction of thoughts & questions!  It was like a train had hit me that I just wasn't ready for!  He IS the father! 

I haven't blogged about this since I told you all that I was now a Stepmom at 40.  I think that I needed to deal with things in my own way, help my husband and children build a bond with their daughter/sister, and try not to worry about the results changing or family.

I think the whole process I was worried that it would break us in some way, but it didn't!!

I have a step daughter who is lovely, never wanted to hurt us in any way.. she just wanted to know if he was her dad since the rumor mill said he might be.  I was worried about her, her relationship with the man she had known to be her dad for almost 21 years, and if her and us would be able to have any type of relationship after missing so much time.

I know most of you read my posts back then and wondered yourself or thought I was being overly dramatic... after all those were truly some of the rawest posts I believe I have ever shared.  BUT fear and not-knowing will do that to ya!!

Since finding out we have all grown, she is our family!  I love her and feel protective over her just as I do my own kids!  Her and my husband and oldest daughter have grown to be close.  We have went on a family trip to spend time with her and her husband.. it's hard to visit often since she lives 700 miles away, but we are trying.

I never thought I would be a step mom, but I am and even though I was truly terrified at the idea... I am happy with how it all worked out!!

Sometimes in Life we face things that we think will break us, but if we see them through, they could be some of the best moments that we ever face!!