Wednesday, February 8, 2017

The Results

Phase 3: The Results

Never in my Life was I so conflicted about opening a download!  All of the emotions were flowing in at once.. how would I feel if the results were that my husband had a daughter we never knew about until now?  How would I feel if she wasn't his?  This journey has been so much of an emotional roller coaster that I didn't even now if I wanted to know the answer; but I knew I had to suck it up and face this head on!

My husband was able to see the results first and then he turned it to show me...

The emotion roller coaster then shifted direction to a whole new direction of thoughts, questions, and even anger and disappointment!  It was like a train had hit me that I just wasn't ready for!  He IS the father!

How could this be?  I mean, I know protection isn't 100% but the chances are rare!  How could the mother not handle this sooner?  He has missed out on so much of her life, watching her grow up into the woman she has become and missing the biggest days of her life.. all the small moments, her graduation, and even her wedding a few months ago!!  How do we explain this to our youngest daughter and tell both of our girls they have a sister?  What will our family and friends think and how many questions will we have to answer?  How will she handle it, knowing the man who she calls dad, isn't by blood?  How hurt will that man be when he is told?  This is so unfair in so many perspectives, but what will the future of this look like?  Hoping it is a good and positive transition for us all!

With all of these emotions flowing I knew we needed a moment to get them under control so I decided to take the dog out and have a cigarette.  I knew he probably needed a few minutes to get his thoughts together and I knew I sure did before we had to sit our girls down for that dreadful conversation, while hoping for the best outcome!!

Phase 4:  The Conversation

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Waiting For Results

Phase 2: Waiting For The Results

After finding out & returning home from our trip to do the DNA test my emotions were all over the place, knowing there was a chance that he could have a child older than mine and all the other things that accompanied that were so overwhelming!  I decided to mail the test in by 2 day mail in order to get the results faster, some how this seemed as though it would be better... or would it!?

After mailing the test in, the next week was an emotional roller coaster waiting on the results!  All the what if's I had became larger and larger as the days went by.  One moment I felt like everything would be perfectly okay regardless of the outcome, the in the next moment I thought life was falling apart underneath me.  I don't think that my life has ever been in such a world-wind of conflicted emotions.

Trying not to allow my kids to have any idea that things were going on, it was hard.  We had decided not to mention anything to them until we knew; because we felt there wasn't any need to confuse or upset them if there wasn't a need to.  Especially our youngest daughter because we knew it would be something she would have many questions about and she may not totally grasp the situation!

My husband was in an emotional roller coaster of his own and our opinions made it hard to communicate on some levels.  We became distant and began having disagreements that we normally wouldn't.  It was hard to not having anyone who understood how I felt because he had his own thoughts and feelings about everything and some differed from mine, it was hard not having someone to vent to about how things, and it was a challenge trying to make everyone around me think that everything was perfectly fine when deep down I felt like I was having a mental breakdown.

Next weekend would be my birthday, the BIG 40, and I wasn't sure if I was in this emotional roller coaster due to the situation or if a lot of it had to do with the fact that I was about to be 40, a age that I had dreading for SO long!

The week seemed to drag by, finally receiving word that the lab had received the test and in 2 short days we'd know the results... well, I thought they would be short days, it seemed like a month or longer!

Even though we had decided not to mention it to our kids, on Wednesday night when I youngest went to church, we decided to sit our oldest daughter (18) down and tell her that there was a possibility.  This was decided because we didn't want it to hit her like a train if it was a match.  I was worried because I wasn't sure how she'd feel, react... her and her dad are so close and I didn't want anything destroying that bond in any way!!  However, it went a lot better than expected, thankfully!  There were a few moments when her eyes watered up because I think she was feeling the rush of emotions that we had had a chance to deal with somewhat over the past week 1/2,  but overall she was okay with it.. curious, excited in a way, and somewhat confused on what she wanted the outcome to be.  BUT I think that's expected and would be how anyone would feel in that moment!

The Lab notified us on Friday that we would have the results on Monday after 6pm.  In some ways it was a relief, but in others we were dreading having to wait through the weekend before we would know.  It was just crazy how many emotions that can be flowing at once all reflecting different directions of what you feel... it was unreal!

Then Sunday night it happened, we got an email that the results were ready, they just had to be downloaded!  What would they be?  Would this one paper change the way we knew life and our family?  It was a moment that stood still, so it felt!!

Was I really ready to know?  Regardless, I was about to and it could change so much!

Tomorrow:  The Results!!

Monday, February 6, 2017

Is It Selfish

Is It Selfish:  The "Not Knowing" Phase

Am I selfish?  Am I childish?  I can't help the way I feel, I just wanted things to go back to normal!

The past few weeks I have been in a conflict with myself, struggling with my flip-flopping emotions on how I truly felt and coming to terms on the reality of what is or could be... and just not sure I am there yet, or if I ever will be!

I have been married for 20 years, the end of this year on our anniversary.  We have been together on and off since we were 14 years old and I love that man more that life itself!  We have had our issues here and there over the years (who hasn't), but nothing that we could not overcome!  Recently he got a new friend request on social media, not knowing the person but they had many mutual family members so he thought it could be someone related.  After accepting the request he received a message from her asking if he remembered her mom and threw a curve-ball that we never could have seen coming!!  She thinks he could be HER DAD!

About 2 - 2 1/2 years before we were married we had gone our separate ways and I was actually dating someone else.  He had a one-night-stand with a lady that was a few years older, her mom.  He used protection and never thought much more about it, until now!

Confused but also wanting to be sensitive to her feeling he talked to her over the course of a few  days, getting to know her with understanding that she just wants to know who her biological dad is.  She asked if he was willing to do a DNA test to find out, where she would know, and he agreed.

The following weekend we traveled the 700 mile trip to do the test, meeting her and listening to her mom apologize for waiting so long to think it could be possible that the man she was married to at the time may not be her dad.  It was hard for me, I know it maybe shouldn't have been but it was! And I know it was hard on her daughter as well.

My emotions are all over the place, not knowing  how I will feel regardless of the outcome of this.  I know we won't together at the time and it was so long ago, but IF she is will it affect our family?  Will it affect the relationship he has with our children?  How will they feel? How will she feel if he is her dad?  How will she feel if he's not?  How will the man that raised her feel, will it change their bond?  How will life change depending on the results?

So many questions, yet NO answers because everything is in the "not knowing" phase.

Continue the Journey with Phase 2: Waiting For Results

Sunday, February 5, 2017

Sorry for Silence

Hey Everyone!

Sorry that it's been so quiet here the past month .. So many things have transpired in my life and changed over the course of this year, already!  I turned the BIG 40 last weekend among other things!  2017 has been a roller coaster to say the least!   I have wanted to share so much, yet, I just wasn't able to put it all into words with all the emotions that were flowing through my mind during it all.

I had started writing a post but left it as a draft because it wasn't the time nor the place to let it all out at the time, and I'm glad that I left it that way.  Now that I am more clear-headed I am able to edit things and put it all into a new perspective before unleashing it to the world!  

So, stay tuned next week as I will tell you all some of it as I worked through each phase.. and hope to hear that someone can relate.

Until then... Have a great day!!  


Friday, January 13, 2017

Social Media & Relationships (**Adult Content - Graphic Ideas and Language present**)

As I am writing this another relationship somewhere in the universe bites the dust. When did we as a society get so self involved? Why do so many young women feel their "self worth" is wrapped up in how many likes one can obtain on a picture posted on social media? Social media has been the death of a lot of decent people doing stupid things to get attention. Stop the insanity! 

Have you ever noticed how no one genuinely interacts with others in our society today? People in general are always staring at their phones especially in waiting areas. What happened to generating a little small talk with your neighbor? It has been replaced with playing games or scrolling some social media page. We want connection, but don't want to put in the effort for it. 

My biggest problem with social media is the way my gender presents itself. I understand that you are only young once, and my motto has always been if you have a nice body then flaunt it baby because you won't have it forever but there is a limit to that. Women and young girls, your self worth should not be wrapped up in how many likes you can get from your social media page. You do not have to show your breasts or clitoris to be appreciated for the woman that you are or will be someday. I understand ladies because I am your sister. As long as you degrade yourself the only type of men that will deal with you will be men that are sleazy and want you to send pictures of yourself to them. It doesn't take much of imagination to realize what they want to do with those pictures or what they will be asking you to do next. The question is how do you feel about yourself? 

 How would you feel if the person you were dating was mutually masturbating with another person on video chat? Let's be real, this is the type of thing that is happening everyday all across the world. Some random person sends your significant other a friend request and then proceeds to talk to them and then things get out of hand. How can any of us expect any type of honesty from others when shit like this is happening? Then there are the men and women who actually find people and physically cheat thinking there is no way they are going to get caught? Are you stupid? What is done in the dark always comes to the light. Haven't you heard that saying? Why are we doing things like this to each other? Maybe there is no moral compass anymore. 

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Not the Start I Envisioned

Is you resolution still on track?  Critics say that about 80% of people have giving up on their New Year's resolutions by now!  That's surprising, considering we're only 12 days into the new year.

Personally, I didn't make any resolutions this year.  All I wanted was for my family to be healthy and happy and this year to be better than the last. However, it has gotten off to a bumpy start!

My oldest daughter just got over a stomach virus and I got a call from my youngest from school complaining of her stomach hurting and being nauseated.  Seems like everyone I have been in contact with lately is sick with something, I sure hope I can fight it all off and not get sick myself!

Meanwhile, I have come under fire from someone who loves to "stir the pot" and keep drama flowing.  Someone who loves to stretch the truth and make it up as well.  This has truly been a challenge for me because I really do try my best to stay clear of drama as much as possible.  While being "fired a'pon" (so to speak) I fired back with some hurtful truths that maybe I shouldn't have spoken of, and then the lies and trying to hurt me and my relationship started!  Needless to say, it has put a strain and roadblock up that may take so time to overcome; but I will get there!!

It's a New Year and like every year it's gonna present challenges.... my just started sooner than I thought and worse in many ways as well!  But the challenges are what makes the accomplishments and the finish line well worth it all in the end!

So, with all that being said, I hope you all's year has started better but if it hasn't or starts to veer in the wrong direction... Hold on Strong and know that better days are ahead and you can overcome anything if you fight for what's right and ignore what drama comes your way!!!

Until next time... Happy New Year!!

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Christmas Tree Topper Bow

This year we got a bigger tree and it swallowed our angel.  So, instead of going out and buying another I decided to try something new... A Christmas Tree Topper Bow!

I watched a few video's of others making them and got an idea on what I would need to do mine.  However, I did't find the amount I needed from the one I had decided to do.  I just decided to cut the measurements a little and give it a shot!

The video said to do 4 loops on each side 14", then 3 at 13", then 2 on each side at 12", and then a finial loop in middle.  Doing this twice then connecting them to make one huge Christmas Tree Topper Bow.  Using 10 yards of ribbon on each side.

I bought 4 rolls of 3 yard ribbon and I needed more for the streamers  So, I did 12 1\2", 10 1/2", 9 1/2", and a loop...

I think for my first time it turned out pretty well!

Next year I plan to order my ribbon since I need a much bigger roll than I can get from my local store and do it right!  But until then... I think it looks great!!!  It's always fun to try something new and have fun being a little creative!!

Merry Christmas!!!