Thursday, June 8, 2017

Priceless Moments

There are Priceless Moments in Life, moments that will live in our hearts a lifetime!  Many of these moments most people can relate, but some everyone can not.  I got to experience a priceless moment today that I know I will treasure forever, because I didn't think I would ever get to.

Last year, I watched my oldest child, my daughter, walk that wonderful walk at her High School Graduation.  This was a Priceless Moment that many other parents can relate, that moment when we see all their hard work pay off... and all of ours!  A moment we all look back on and reflect on it differently, but treasure because of how special it truly was!

Other moments many parents experience, others envy and don't ever think that they will get to experience... that's life right?!

When my oldest daughter was in elementary school it was breeze.  She was quiet and done pretty well in most subjects.  She struggled with reading a little, got help, and done fine.  She loved school because it wasn't a huge challenge and the teachers loved her because she was quiet, not disruptive,  and cute.  On Awards Days I was always that mom who felt proud when she got her awards each and every year.  They are moments that I will treasure and smile whenever I look back on them as long as I am able to remember.

However, my youngest daughter started school on a completely different, lol!  The 1st day of school she was on RED, which was one step from the Principles office and calling me.  I thought "Oh My Gosh, she's going to be like her dad when it comes to school. I better buckle my seat-belt! LOL".

We held her back in Kindergarten because she wasn't quite ready.   We began to see her struggles with Reading early on, but even with lots of help she was still struggling more than we all thought she should be.  Over the years we have been down a long, and difficult path trying to overcome these struggles with NOT a lot of success.

Last year we had a series of testing and appointments that lasted a good year.  When it was all over the Doctor told me that she had a Learning Disability called Dyslexia, among other stuff.  During our conversation he actually came out and said, "I don't think she will ever be able to read and comprehend more than she can now".  Fist off, it pissed me off that he had the balls to come out and say it so bluntly; but more so I was scared.

Awards Days over the years were different.  I wasn't the same mom I had been with my oldest, I was the one hoping that they would call her name where she'd feel like she done good.  The first couple years she got class certificates, but she never received one on the stage at the ceremony.  It was heartbreaking after a few years pasts because she really did try her best and didn't understand why she couldn't get one too.  As she got older I stopped making her go to school on Awards Day, as I had planned to do today!

She is in 7th grade this year.  She still struggles just as much as she did before, but she still tries just as hard!!  She's had one teacher that has truly pushed her this year out of her comfort zone and her grades & confidence have been up.  Last night, she gives me a pare inviting me to Awards Day because she is getting an Award.  She was excited, as was I.  I asked her what Award she'd be getting, but she didn't know!   :)

So, I re-arranged my schedule a little to be able to attend the event because it was going to be a first, a proud moment for her; and me too.  I thought about it a few times last night and this morning, wondering what the Award was for.  I assumed it would be a citizenship or character award, because she has a huge heart and she is such a helpful kid (at school that is lol). BUT she's excited and that's all that really matters.

Today, I sat watching and celebrating all these wonderful 7th graders success.  Something that many of these kids won't recall when they are my age, I know I don't remember mine. LOL   However, I know all their parents will.

When they called her name, I was proud but I was relived as well.  Who says hard work don't pay off!  I was proud, obviously, for the same reason the other parents were and the same as when my oldest would get an Award; but it was priceless!!

Those of you who know us can truly get what I am saying; and hopefully many of you know and have lived what I am talking about! :)

... Just wanted to share a special moment I had and hopefully bring a smile to your face today.  I hope Life gives you a priceless moment to treasure til the next one comes, memories to store for later days to bring smiles to our faces and love into our hearts!!

Monday, June 5, 2017

Love & Other Strange Things

So, here I go again, trying to write about what I feel.

A couple of years ago, I met a man and he made me laugh again and for that I was grateful. We began to date and he had such a good heart and treated me with such care and kindness. I kept thinking he might be my rebound because he was the first man I dated after my divorce. Oh, how he made me laugh. He told me he loved me and I cried. I wasn't sure if anyone would say those words to me again. 

I thought of my innocent days before the world tried to beat me into submission with its nonchalant carelessness. He made me feel like that girl again, that sweet innocent girl, that had a wild imagination about what her life might be. Maybe if I had met him while I was young we would have had a chance to really shine or I could have avoided a lot of heartache. Mistakes are what life is about. Without mistakes there would be no lesson. 

He isn't my boyfriend anymore. We both felt that something was missing. I felt it, I didn't realize he did too. Oh, he is such a great man; he has character, honesty and humility and I have searched the world over to find a man that possessed these qualities and I finally did and love fizzles out. Was it ever love to begin with? I think he and I both got comfortable because we wanted someone to share our lives with and we were not connecting on a deeper level.

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

13 Reasons Why: Season 2

Netflix's Controversial Series "13 Reason's Why" has been announced for a Season 2.  Season 1 stirred up conversations and had much anticipated back lash as well!

My oldest daughter (18) binged watched the entire series over a two day period, she was hooked.  She continued trying to talk me into watching it over the course of about a week.  Honestly, I had not seen or heard much about it and only knew what little she had told me; so, I decided to see what it was about.

**Suicide is NEVER the answer!!!  If you or someone you love needs help please visit    
or contact someone at the suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255

To be Honest, I was conflicted on my feelings at first as I watched...

  • Why make a show where a teenage girl commits suicide?
  • Why would someone record tapes and pass them after they did?
  • Why would these kids pass them along to the next person, allowing them to hear what part they had played?
  • Will this glorify suicide in someone who isn't mentally stable?
  • How could these kids know the harsh things that were done and what crimes others committed and keep their secret?
  • Why so graphic?
However, I myself was hooked.. couldn't wait to be able to watch the next episode to see how it would unfold!!  I watched Season 1 in a weeks time, after work and on my day off. 

My heart broke for Hanna and the other characters as well; and I related to the way she felt as I recalled events from my school days!!

This morning I heard a news story about a High School who had recently had 6 suicides... WOW!  The show came up and almost seemed to be accused of glorifying teen suicide.  Personally, I don't think 13 Reasons Why glorified suicide in any way!!  I believe it reflected the harsh reality of the way kids are treated and how some handle it.  

In my opinion this isn't a show for kids younger than High School, I'm on the fence here because some scenes are gory and hard to watch, even as an adult.  If these weren't this way I would have sat down with my 14 year old and watched it with her... Just because I think it is a way to start the conversation with teenagers and hear how things are at school and online for  them; and allow parents to talk and encourage them as well.  Just my opinion, would love to hear yours!

Season 1 ended with so many cliff hangers, which makes me wonder where it will go in Season 2.  I have a bad feeling that Tyler is planning a hit list or school shooting and I hope if this is the case, adults are paying more attention because of what happened to Hanna and stop him!

I don't think that Alex tried to commit suicide, I think he was shot by Tyler... just a feeling on how things unfolded.  However, I'm also not convinced that Alex was the teenager who had been shot on the ambulance they briefly showed off at a distance in the scene.  

I hope Jessica gets the help dealing with what happened and Bryce needs to face consequences for his actions as well.

What will the Brewers do with the audio recordings that Tony gave them... will they be able to listen and how will they hold themselves accountable for the signs they missed?

So many directions the show could go and so many conversational pieces that could be opened up for parents/kids with it!!

13 Reasons Why tacked one of the most difficult subject matters, suicide.  The CDC reports that suicide is the 3rd cause of death for people ages 10-24.  This is shocking and scary.  The show may not be a good idea for people who are mentally unstable or suicidal, and I do believe that kids watching should be accompanied by an adult to add much needed conversation. 

We all have had times where we felt alone or hurt by others and I think the show allows parents to get an idea of how much harder it may be today.  A way to feel the need to talk more and educate themselves about the subjects that we sometimes don't want to think about because they are so horrific.  I know it really made me think and want to talk to my kids about things more.

Have you seen Season 1 of 13 Reasons Why?  What are your thoughts?  Do you want a Season 2? What direction do you think Season 2 will go?  I can't wait to hear what you all think!!!

**Suicide is NEVER the answer!!!  If you or someone you love needs help please visit    or contact someone at the suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Graduation Party Idea

Last year, this month, I was playing a graduation party.  Decorations, food, family and friends all coming together to support my baby girl for Graduation from High School. Lots of parents right now are going through this bitter-sweet time as Graduation is coming all so fast.  The Smiles, Tears, and Memories that accompany this special time are priceless and should be cherished forever, time fly's by so fast.

I noticed today that my post during this time last year, recently has been getting a lot of attention,  A New Me: Creating Memorable Moments.  

I was searching for a balloon creation that I wanted to do and blogged about it; however, upon reading it and looking around I'm not sure I ever showed my Blogging Community what mine ended up looking like...

So here it is...  Looking back I wish that I had went ahead and done an entire arch, but it turned out GREAT!  

The School colors and a hint of being creative!  It was the personal touches that made it special.  Not too costly for decorations and fun to bring it all together.  After all, It's the little things that we remember when looking back.... so lets make those count!!

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Post Divorce

Life is still hard sometimes when dealing with an ex-husband. He is not seeing our son and not paying child support. We went to court recently and he and his wife voluntarily signed over their state tax return and she was livid! Instead of gloating over this, it makes me sad. Our son has asked several times to call his daddy and we have both tried and now his cell phone has been turned off. Really? So I had to call his wife and the response that I got was he has his phone turned off and as for the other (speaking to his son I guess is what she was referring to) you will be getting a letter from us, well our attorney. A few days after this I ran into him and he actually didn't have her with him. I told him our son would like for him to call him and he told me that his phone was turned off and he was going to get it turned back on. Our son still has not received a phone call. I don't understand why he didn't go home, ask her to hand him her phone and then call our son and say hello. I don't get it?! Why is he doing this? Why is he abandoning our son? 

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

The Results

Phase 3: The Results

Never in my Life was I so conflicted about opening a download!  All of the emotions were flowing in at once.. how would I feel if the results were that my husband had a daughter we never knew about until now?  How would I feel if she wasn't his?  This journey has been so much of an emotional roller coaster that I didn't even now if I wanted to know the answer; but I knew I had to suck it up and face this head on!

My husband was able to see the results first and then he turned it to show me...

The emotion roller coaster then shifted direction to a whole new direction of thoughts, questions, and even anger and disappointment!  It was like a train had hit me that I just wasn't ready for!  He IS the father!

How could this be?  I mean, I know protection isn't 100% but the chances are rare!  How could the mother not handle this sooner?  He has missed out on so much of her life, watching her grow up into the woman she has become and missing the biggest days of her life.. all the small moments, her graduation, and even her wedding a few months ago!!  How do we explain this to our youngest daughter and tell both of our girls they have a sister?  What will our family and friends think and how many questions will we have to answer?  How will she handle it, knowing the man who she calls dad, isn't by blood?  How hurt will that man be when he is told?  This is so unfair in so many perspectives, but what will the future of this look like?  Hoping it is a good and positive transition for us all!

With all of these emotions flowing I knew we needed a moment to get them under control so I decided to take the dog out and have a cigarette.  I knew he probably needed a few minutes to get his thoughts together and I knew I sure did before we had to sit our girls down for that dreadful conversation, while hoping for the best outcome!!

Phase 4:  The Conversation

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Waiting For Results

Phase 2: Waiting For The Results

After finding out & returning home from our trip to do the DNA test my emotions were all over the place, knowing there was a chance that he could have a child older than mine and all the other things that accompanied that were so overwhelming!  I decided to mail the test in by 2 day mail in order to get the results faster, some how this seemed as though it would be better... or would it!?

After mailing the test in, the next week was an emotional roller coaster waiting on the results!  All the what if's I had became larger and larger as the days went by.  One moment I felt like everything would be perfectly okay regardless of the outcome, the in the next moment I thought life was falling apart underneath me.  I don't think that my life has ever been in such a world-wind of conflicted emotions.

Trying not to allow my kids to have any idea that things were going on, it was hard.  We had decided not to mention anything to them until we knew; because we felt there wasn't any need to confuse or upset them if there wasn't a need to.  Especially our youngest daughter because we knew it would be something she would have many questions about and she may not totally grasp the situation!

My husband was in an emotional roller coaster of his own and our opinions made it hard to communicate on some levels.  We became distant and began having disagreements that we normally wouldn't.  It was hard to not having anyone who understood how I felt because he had his own thoughts and feelings about everything and some differed from mine, it was hard not having someone to vent to about how things, and it was a challenge trying to make everyone around me think that everything was perfectly fine when deep down I felt like I was having a mental breakdown.

Next weekend would be my birthday, the BIG 40, and I wasn't sure if I was in this emotional roller coaster due to the situation or if a lot of it had to do with the fact that I was about to be 40, a age that I had dreading for SO long!

The week seemed to drag by, finally receiving word that the lab had received the test and in 2 short days we'd know the results... well, I thought they would be short days, it seemed like a month or longer!

Even though we had decided not to mention it to our kids, on Wednesday night when I youngest went to church, we decided to sit our oldest daughter (18) down and tell her that there was a possibility.  This was decided because we didn't want it to hit her like a train if it was a match.  I was worried because I wasn't sure how she'd feel, react... her and her dad are so close and I didn't want anything destroying that bond in any way!!  However, it went a lot better than expected, thankfully!  There were a few moments when her eyes watered up because I think she was feeling the rush of emotions that we had had a chance to deal with somewhat over the past week 1/2,  but overall she was okay with it.. curious, excited in a way, and somewhat confused on what she wanted the outcome to be.  BUT I think that's expected and would be how anyone would feel in that moment!

The Lab notified us on Friday that we would have the results on Monday after 6pm.  In some ways it was a relief, but in others we were dreading having to wait through the weekend before we would know.  It was just crazy how many emotions that can be flowing at once all reflecting different directions of what you feel... it was unreal!

Then Sunday night it happened, we got an email that the results were ready, they just had to be downloaded!  What would they be?  Would this one paper change the way we knew life and our family?  It was a moment that stood still, so it felt!!

Was I really ready to know?  Regardless, I was about to and it could change so much!

Tomorrow:  The Results!!

Monday, February 6, 2017

Is It Selfish

Is It Selfish:  The "Not Knowing" Phase

Am I selfish?  Am I childish?  I can't help the way I feel, I just wanted things to go back to normal!

The past few weeks I have been in a conflict with myself, struggling with my flip-flopping emotions on how I truly felt and coming to terms on the reality of what is or could be... and just not sure I am there yet, or if I ever will be!

I have been married for 20 years, the end of this year on our anniversary.  We have been together on and off since we were 14 years old and I love that man more that life itself!  We have had our issues here and there over the years (who hasn't), but nothing that we could not overcome!  Recently he got a new friend request on social media, not knowing the person but they had many mutual family members so he thought it could be someone related.  After accepting the request he received a message from her asking if he remembered her mom and threw a curve-ball that we never could have seen coming!!  She thinks he could be HER DAD!

About 2 - 2 1/2 years before we were married we had gone our separate ways and I was actually dating someone else.  He had a one-night-stand with a lady that was a few years older, her mom.  He used protection and never thought much more about it, until now!

Confused but also wanting to be sensitive to her feeling he talked to her over the course of a few  days, getting to know her with understanding that she just wants to know who her biological dad is.  She asked if he was willing to do a DNA test to find out, where she would know, and he agreed.

The following weekend we traveled the 700 mile trip to do the test, meeting her and listening to her mom apologize for waiting so long to think it could be possible that the man she was married to at the time may not be her dad.  It was hard for me, I know it maybe shouldn't have been but it was! And I know it was hard on her daughter as well.

My emotions are all over the place, not knowing  how I will feel regardless of the outcome of this.  I know we won't together at the time and it was so long ago, but IF she is will it affect our family?  Will it affect the relationship he has with our children?  How will they feel? How will she feel if he is her dad?  How will she feel if he's not?  How will the man that raised her feel, will it change their bond?  How will life change depending on the results?

So many questions, yet NO answers because everything is in the "not knowing" phase.

Continue the Journey with Phase 2: Waiting For Results