Monday, February 9, 2015

Purging My Soul

I am very sore today. I have been moving my belongings out of a storage unit I've had for the past 5 years. Some of the things I found I forgot I had. My hips, hands and back are sore. I also made sure that even though I was moving all this stuff that I still got on my elliptical. I am still only doing 15 minutes a day until I can build up to 30.

On another note, I don't know if this is the right venue for this but I feel the need to purge. What I mean by that is that I need an outlet for all the emotions I am feeling as I am trying to lose weight and come to terms with the end of my second marriage. I know my friends are tired of hearing me go on rants about the unfairness of it all or what new drama seems to be unfolding. Sometimes it is really quiet on his end but then his fiancee starts up and then it is drama central. Usually it is the other way around, baby mama drama but not in this case. I feel like my ex and his new love don't want to see this situation from my point of view.

 Do you know how hard it has been to know that he loves another, and what we had is now history. I know the last few years weren't great, but what helped me to hold on was that I knew that he loved me. I found old letters, notes and cards he gave to me in the storage unit. I will put those things in an album somewhere and forget they exist, tell myself I am saving them for my son someday....Although my son will probably not want those things because they are of sentimental value to me only. Who knows?

There are just so many emotions that one goes through when a legal separation or divorce is on the horizon. Sometimes it can feel as if you have failed. Sometimes it can feel as if a great weight has been lifted. What people don't understand is that you have to grieve for your loss. You grieve for what could have been and what should have been. I have seen many movies in recent years that talk about how woman have journeyed through divorce and come out sparkling on the other side. I remember in the beginning my ex had paid for me a trip to London, England for my 40th birthday. I went on the trip and as that plane was taking off from the runway in Raleigh, North Carolina I had my nose to the glass and my eyes wide open. I actually got a bit misty eyed too. I guess I felt a little bit like I was running away but I just needed to get as far away as I possibly could. We both hurt each other. I am not an innocent victim in all this, I played my part in the demise of our marriage too. I guess I just want to look deeper and understand myself better and why I react the way I do to certain things.

I am positive about my future, but I do have these things lurking around in the back of my mind all the time. It really isn't in the forefront so much anymore. The weight loss does play into this as well. I am eventually going to start dating again, when I am ready and I really want to put the best version of myself out there.

JoAnne