Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Life Lessons On Marriage

Yesterday, I attended a wedding. Two friends of mine got married at the local magistrates office and they looked very happy and you know it got me to thinking.......

When I was a little girl I was under the impression that a prince was going to rescue me from my evil stepmother, only have eyes for me and we would be happy, happy, happy. Isn't it crazy how we see the world when we are children as compared to what it looks like to us as adults?

I have made a lot of mistakes in my former marriages and this is what I have learned...............

1. I never set any clear boundaries. All I asked at the time was "do not cheat" but I was never specific. I should have said "If you cheat, you will lose me period". No second chances. I should have explained that being cheated on makes you feel like you are not good enough for your spouse. It wreaks havoc on a marriage and makes the wounded party question everything in the marriage up to that point. Then after the affair, the trust is gone and it is hard to bounce back from that.

2. I need to be more affectionate with the people in my life. I love so deeply in my heart but it takes me a while to "show" with lots of hugs, kisses or physically holding hands or whatnot. That goes in marriage as well as my other interpersonal relationships. I tell my family, friends and boyfriend that I love them but do I really show it? I hold back my emotions a lot for fear of being hurt and rejected because the best defense is a good offense in my mind and I am trying slowly but surely to rid myself of this mentality.

3. If no one helps me in the house with cleaning, washing dishes and doing laundry it really sends me over the edge. I am overwhelmed very easily and all I ask is that you do your fair share and I promise you will be handsomely rewarded. I know how to work on vehicles, cut grass and do "manly chores" the least you can do is wash a freaking dish okay?! I have gotten supremely mad and held it in taking my anger out on everybody but who I was mad at to start with which was usually the husband for not helping.

4. Do not ignore red flags regarding someones behavior! If they cheated with you they will cheat on you. If they won't help with chores now, they won't help with chores later. If they jump from relationship to relationship they do not do well with confrontation and this is a classic sign of avoidance and major emotional baggage. I know, I know, we all have emotional baggage that we should try to work on...I will be the first to say I am a work in progress. Half the battle is self realization, right?

5. YOU cannot fix other people, you can only fix yourself. Examine your feelings, and know your self-worth. You are beautiful, amazing, talented and kind. You have to know this about yourself and love yourself before anyone else can love you. As women, we are bombarded every day with what society says we should look like. Our bodies change as we get older, we have held life inside of our own body and how amazing is that?! Men can't do that, only we women can. It is our heart that makes us beautiful, our soul that makes us shine.

6. If I had my way, I would never get up before noon. The older I get I realize my body is betraying me. On Saturdays I have been waking up by 8a.m. What in the world? I am not a morning person and I never will be. When people look at me and say "Good Morning"  I am slapping them in my mind. (This is a classic example of a behavior that someone has had since they were a child and someone wants them to change this behavior, it ain't happening)

7. I don't want to actually admit this out loud but here goes.....
I am still a hopeless romantic! I will always love a good love story about how people met or how long they have been together. I love that stuff, I pretend like I don't but deep down I freaking love all that sappy stuff. I have made a promise to myself not to let what other people have done to me or what I have done to others ruin any future possibility of happily ever after for me. 

8. Is monogamy even normal? You know marriage is a lot like religion. You have a couple of bad experiences and all of sudden you are against marriage. Same thing happens with religion, you let a few nut cases convince you of something other than what you believe and all of a sudden you are against religion. Questioning everything.....

9. Communication is key! You must tell others what it is that you want. Nobody can read your mind!! If you do want to get married again I say you need to tell this person what makes you sad, mad, overwhelmed, cry and get all that information out in the open so they can make an informed decision about you being in their life for the long haul. In my travels, I have gotten so wrapped up in another person that I forgot about me. I put my needs on the back burner, suffered for it but now realize that shit was my fault. I am not a martyr but I play one on T.V. 

It is amazing the thoughts that swirl around in your brain when you watch two people get married. I am very proud of myself, I congratulated them and didn't offer any advice. I took photos and handed the magistrate the rings and smiled at them because like I said deep down I am a hopeless romantic and they both looked so happy and so in love and it warmed my heart.