It Doesn't Hurt Like It Used To

It doesn't hurt like it used to.

For a long time I was chained to my feelings about my divorce. I feel more free than I have in a long time. I am getting used to my new normal and I feel happy now. So much has happened since the last time I wrote. 

He doesn't see our son anymore. He told me it is because our boy has reached the age of 12 and he told his father he hates to go to his house. So his father decided he wasn't going to make him go anymore. I made sure I told him and his new wife that I would never keep our son from him; he can see him anytime he wants. The first couple of weeks I called and called and texted to, just to make that effort showing that at least on my end he could freely communicate with me but he wouldn't answer any of my calls or texts. In the messages and texts I would say, "hey, give our son a call so he knows you love him" and still no response. I don't think my son fully understands, he loves his daddy. My son began having meltdowns at school so I took him by the hands and told him that I love him, he always has a home with me and the only way I'm leaving is if I die. I think he needed to know that I'm not going anywhere.

 I don't understand what is going on in his father's mind for him to completely abandon his son emotionally. I am not a monster, I made our son go over to his fathers house even when he was crying and saying he didn't want to go. I told him his father loved him and wanted to see him also. Sometimes I think it is because our son is special needs, he isn't what his father wants him to be. I don't understand his reasoning or how he is rationalizing in his mind why he is not seeing his own son. He also told me to tell our son that if he wants to come to his house all he has to do is call him and tell him and then he will come and pick him up. He went from wanting him for the whole summer to not seeing him at all. Go figure?!

Work has definitely picked up for me, hence the slackness of not writing on the blog. Ha, my desk is littered with paperwork, calendar requests, notices of hearing and so much more. I am working double doing family law and bankruptcy. I might possibly try to branch out next year and go to another firm but I am not sure yet.

I am glad I went through the wormhole so to speak because I am at my best when all has been stripped away and I have to take an insightful look into my own heart. The aftershocks of divorce will be felt I am sure for years to come, but hopefully we (me and my boys) will continue to navigate it with tenacity.