Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Explosive Revelations

I was trolling Facebook about a week ago thinking about deleting some of my friends that have ties to my ex. Not to be petty, but to truly have a fresh start. When you go through divorce, not only does your relationship change with your ex, it changes with mutual friends as well. That's okay, there are some people that are only in our lives for short periods of time and then no more. Anyway, I was looking at the mutual friends page and I saw something that shook me to my core. It was a video of my ex husband being baptized and accepting Jesus Christ as his personal Lord and Savior. As I watched the video I began to cry. Why did I cry? It really, truly shocked me. I never thought I would see the day that he would make such a declaration. I decided to delete this mutual friend so that I wouldn't be tempted to look at her page to see what he is doing or if they are hanging out because it is none of my business and I want to keep it that way. 

My children never cease to amaze me. I have been dating Ben for about 10 months now. He is decent, hard working, kind, and has character. My boys are "tolerating" that I have a boyfriend. Over the weekend we visited the coast and saw the lighthouses. My youngest son told him that he couldn't spend the night because when a man that is dating your divorced mother wants to spend the night that means he is trying to move in. I almost fell out in the floor! I asked my son where he had heard such a thing and he said he heard it on the internet. After this, I had to have a long talk with Ben and then I had one with my boys. My youngest thinks that his Dad and I will get back together someday and he told me this when we were having our talk on Sunday and it broke my heart. It also made me think about all the times when I was a child and couldn't really remember my parents being married and wondering what my mother was really like. All the times that I felt defective because my parents weren't together. Divorce really does hurt everyone involved and there is no way to make it right. 

Another revelation was about my childhood. I don't know how to put this one in words because it literally crushes me. I remember when my Dad got custody of my sister, my brother and me. There were days when at the ages of 7, 2 and 4 we were left alone all day while my Mother was drinking and partying. My sister, at the age of 7, took care of me and my brother and she protected us. I remember a man that was in my Mother's life at the time and how he made me very uncomfortable. All I remember is that feeling of being uncomfortable and the cowboy hat that he wore. About a week ago I was mad at my Mother over something trivial and I called my sister. Our running joke is "Your Mother is acting crazy again" and we will both laugh. Anyway, we got to talking and she mentioned this time in our lives and I mentioned the man with the cowboy hat and she got quiet on the phone and then said she didn't think I remembered that. I said the only thing I remember was he made me uncomfortable and I didn't like him. She said she didn't either because he was to touchy feely and she protected us from him. From this conversation, I have no idea what might have happened or if anything happened at all, but it makes me sad and angry. My sister told my Dad about this guy, how we were left alone all day and  he came and picked us up and sued for custody and won. All our Mother could do was sit on the witness stand and cry, she always tells us it is because her nerves were bad. Anyway, all that is old news and she is in my life today but sometimes I get frustrated when she doesn't take responsibility for her actions and previous actions. 

I understand I am responsible for my actions and that there are consequences for my actions. I truly do forgive everyone in the past that has hurt me, I needed to get these things off my chest because there is really no one I can speak of these revelations to. None of you know me so I feel like this is a safe zone where I can speak and not be judged. I truly am a work in progress, but all these events and conversations happened within the last two weeks and it was a lot to process.