Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Letting Go

I am feeling slightly hostile today and appreciative at the same time. Is that even possible? The emotions that I feel some days are winding down and they are not all over the place anymore. The only time they are like a roller coaster is when I have some sort of "drama" with certain people.

It occurred to me yesterday that there are some people in the world who are always going to think that somebody somewhere owes them something. They are always right and the rest of us have no idea what the hell we are talking about or doing. You cannot converse with people that have this mindset, because your words and actions will always be twisted to suit their needs or their vision of who and what you are. 

Then there are people that cry or tear up when somebody somewhere does something nice for them because they are so used to being treated like shit. Or when someone compliments them on their appearance or even if they are just nice it comes as a shock. That person has to dig deep to believe in the hope that there are still nice people in the world. 

I spoke to my first ex-husband yesterday. He told me that I really was a good woman and that he was sorry for what he did to me all those years ago. He said he was in a bad place but he has his life back on track now, he is married to woman that he loves and all is right in his world. I also like the woman he is married to because she loves our son and that is enough for me. Maybe one day, the second ex-husband will be gracious enough to say he is sorry for all the pain he has caused but in my heart I doubt it. 

I hate this. I hate that now as of July 7, 2015 this will be my second divorce. Twice in a lifetime I have loved and been given the boot. LOL! At this point in my life, I never want to get married again. I don't want to live with anybody either. I'm happy just having a friend that I can hang out with sometimes. I have to tell myself everyday that I cannot, I repeat, I cannot hold what other men have done to me against the next man. 

I am not perfect. I have done wrong also, but I didn't deserve the blatant disrespect. I never hung out in the club, the street or anywhere. I worked, I came home, I took care of the house and kids and the husband. My worst crime was yelling and complaining about how I needed help. Then I would get that bitch mentality and assume everybody's role because if I wanted it to get done I figured I should do it all myself. That's where I hurt myself, the marriage, all of it. In my next life I am going to be a really prissy girl damn it! 

I am saying all of these things to unload it off my chest, to write it all down, because somehow it helps cleanse my soul of all the negativity and anger. Somehow it all really does remind me of that song by Coldplay......"When she was just girl, she expected the world, but it flew away from her reach, and the bullets catch in her teeth, life goes on it gets so heavy, the wheel breaks the butterfly, every tear a waterfall, In the night the stormy night, she'll close her eyes, in the night the stormy night away she'd fly and dream of para, para, paradise".............................