Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Waiting For Results

Phase 2: Waiting For The Results

After finding out & returning home from our trip to do the DNA test my emotions were all over the place, knowing there was a chance that he could have a child older than mine and all the other things that accompanied that were so overwhelming!  I decided to mail the test in by 2 day mail in order to get the results faster, some how this seemed as though it would be better... or would it!?

After mailing the test in, the next week was an emotional roller coaster waiting on the results!  All the what if's I had became larger and larger as the days went by.  One moment I felt like everything would be perfectly okay regardless of the outcome, the in the next moment I thought life was falling apart underneath me.  I don't think that my life has ever been in such a world-wind of conflicted emotions.

Trying not to allow my kids to have any idea that things were going on, it was hard.  We had decided not to mention anything to them until we knew; because we felt there wasn't any need to confuse or upset them if there wasn't a need to.  Especially our youngest daughter because we knew it would be something she would have many questions about and she may not totally grasp the situation!

My husband was in an emotional roller coaster of his own and our opinions made it hard to communicate on some levels.  We became distant and began having disagreements that we normally wouldn't.  It was hard to not having anyone who understood how I felt because he had his own thoughts and feelings about everything and some differed from mine, it was hard not having someone to vent to about how things, and it was a challenge trying to make everyone around me think that everything was perfectly fine when deep down I felt like I was having a mental breakdown.

Next weekend would be my birthday, the BIG 40, and I wasn't sure if I was in this emotional roller coaster due to the situation or if a lot of it had to do with the fact that I was about to be 40, a age that I had dreading for SO long!

The week seemed to drag by, finally receiving word that the lab had received the test and in 2 short days we'd know the results... well, I thought they would be short days, it seemed like a month or longer!

Even though we had decided not to mention it to our kids, on Wednesday night when I youngest went to church, we decided to sit our oldest daughter (18) down and tell her that there was a possibility.  This was decided because we didn't want it to hit her like a train if it was a match.  I was worried because I wasn't sure how she'd feel, react... her and her dad are so close and I didn't want anything destroying that bond in any way!!  However, it went a lot better than expected, thankfully!  There were a few moments when her eyes watered up because I think she was feeling the rush of emotions that we had had a chance to deal with somewhat over the past week 1/2,  but overall she was okay with it.. curious, excited in a way, and somewhat confused on what she wanted the outcome to be.  BUT I think that's expected and would be how anyone would feel in that moment!

The Lab notified us on Friday that we would have the results on Monday after 6pm.  In some ways it was a relief, but in others we were dreading having to wait through the weekend before we would know.  It was just crazy how many emotions that can be flowing at once all reflecting different directions of what you feel... it was unreal!

Then Sunday night it happened, we got an email that the results were ready, they just had to be downloaded!  What would they be?  Would this one paper change the way we knew life and our family?  It was a moment that stood still, so it felt!!

Was I really ready to know?  Regardless, I was about to and it could change so much!

Tomorrow:  The Results!!