Monday, February 6, 2017

Is It Selfish

Is It Selfish:  The "Not Knowing" Phase

Am I selfish?  Am I childish?  I can't help the way I feel, I just wanted things to go back to normal!

The past few weeks I have been in a conflict with myself, struggling with my flip-flopping emotions on how I truly felt and coming to terms on the reality of what is or could be... and just not sure I am there yet, or if I ever will be!

I have been married for almost 20 years, the end of this year on our anniversary.  We have been together on and off since we were 14 years old and I love that man more that life itself!  We have had our issues here and there over the years (who hasn't), but nothing that we could not overcome!  Recently he got a new friend request on social media, not knowing the person but they had many mutual family members so he thought it could be someone related.  After accepting the request he received a message from her asking if he remembered her mom and threw a curve-ball that we never could have seen coming!!  She thinks he could be HER DAD!

About 2 - 2 1/2 years before we were married we had gone our separate ways and I was actually dating someone else.  He had a one-night-stand with a lady that was a few years older, her mom.  He used protection and never thought much more about it, until now!

Confused but also wanting to be sensitive to her feeling he talked to her over the course of a few  days, getting to know her with understanding that she just wants to know who her biological dad is.  She asked if he was willing to do a DNA test to find out, where she would know, and he agreed.

The following weekend we traveled the 700 mile trip to do the test, meeting her and listening to her mom apologize for waiting so long to think it could be possible that the man she was married to at the time may not be her dad.  It was hard for me, I know it maybe shouldn't have been but it was! And I know it was hard on her daughter as well.

My emotions are all over the place, not knowing  how I will feel regardless of the outcome of this.  I know we won't together at the time and it was so long ago, but IF she is will it affect our family?  Will it affect the relationship he has with our children?  How will they feel? How will she feel if he is her dad?  How will she feel if he's not?  How will the man that raised her feel, will it change their bond?  How will life change depending on the results?

So many questions, yet NO answers because everything is in the "not knowing" phase.

Continue the Journey with Phase 2: Waiting For Results