Friday, December 11, 2015

You Look Old

A friend kindly told my today that "I looked old" and I replied, "I feel it".  Later on I messaged her and told her thanks for insulting me in a nice way (lol).  After getting home I looked in the mirror, and she's right, I do look old today.

For the past week or so I have been at a loss for posts that are uplifting and fun.  I sorta feel silly whining over my troubles when people are dealing with much worse than I could ever imagine!!  I don't wanna be Debbie-downer or Scrooge during the season; therefore, I haven't really posted much.
BUT.. Today, I have to be real, just to vent a little.  Might not even post this... but I just need to get it out and let it go!

I feel like life is throwing punches at me left and right, and I just don't know why!?  I mean, over-all I think I am a really good person.  I would help any body in any way I can, even if I just met you (unless I get a weird vibe, then I'll call someone else to assist you.. lol).  Yet, it seems like I always get the short end of the stick!  Like I am the worlds punching bag the past few months... I am probably over-dramatizing this in my head, but it sure feels that way with everything continues to go wrong.  What's up with that!!

For the past few months (since around July) I have been trying to overcome the financial bind that started back when my job didn't pay me due to the authorized hours being wrong in their computer system .  I had to call multiple times a week for months between the county & the company trying to get those hours I worked paid (still haven't received all of them all yet), and had to work 8 hours less per 2 weeks for a few paydays until things were corrected.  Then, my husbands work slowed down earlier than normal (he's in construction and work slows down as the weather gets colder); therefore, my cut paycheck had to cover more than normal.  This can really cause financial & other troubles if you're not careful!   
I twisted my knee, the one I had surgery on when I was a teenager.  I don't have insurance & I NEVER go to the doctor; therefore for the past 5 weeks I have been limping and hurting when I walk, but haven't missed a day of work because I can't afford to.  Everybody keeps telling me to go to the doctor, but they just don't get it!!
Yesterday, my car started decided that it was going to start acting up, luckily it didn't go out.. BUT now I have that worry that it will leave me sitting somewhere because it will go out, I just don't know when.  I don't know about you, but I don't like the idea of being stranded somewhere.  Especially not at night or when I have taken my child, mom, or patient to the doctor or some place else.  So, I guess that will completely quit on me sooner or later... Knowing my luck lately, it will be sooner lol. 
Christmas is 2 weeks away, and even though I know that everything WILL work out and I know the holiday isn't about gifts (but kids don't really understand that).    I have been super stressed beyond measures thinking about it constantly!! I haven't even put my tree up because I wanna wait to have something to put under it.   It almost consumes me, and I gotta get out of that soon or I think I will have a nervous breakdown (lol).  It's just hard to be in the spirit when you are so stressed about everything related to money & the upcoming holiday. 
I woke up this morning with plans of going to get things started because it was payday... then I checked my balance to make sure my check had cleared and to pay a few bills before work.. and I was PISSED!!!  60 hours short, after I called last week to make sure everything was being processed and on schedule; and was told it WAS.  OMGosh I was so mad!  My first thoughts were not being able to get groceries to feed my family.  Then the show-stopper, it might be my next payday before I get my money... AND My NEXT payday is after Christmas!!  Oh HELL NO!!!  I could have spit nails!!!  Lucky for me (& THEM) the customer service rep was able to get it verified to pay next week.  Even though I am still Pissed because I have a few bills that are due before that, I have to be thankful that I will get paid before a major draft & the holiday. 
My daughter calls me tonight to tell me this little girl (same girl in the other post dealing with my daughter) has sent her ANOTHER mean and hurtful message (bullying)... if she only knew that today was not the day for that!!  I have never wanted to snatch up a child as much as I want to do to that one (*just to be clear, I would NEVER touch her).  Why do kids want to be mean to one another?!  I just don't understand it!  

SO as I was looking in the mirror thinking about what my friend said this morning, I realized that it really wasn't the look of an old person, it's the look of a stressed out and tired women who just needs a break!  I guess that is what we look like as we get old because we have had such a long life and we are just tired and worn out.. which is how I have been feeling for too long now.

I got to let it all go and remember not to stress about the things that I have no control over, but this is hard because I am a worrier (BIG TIME) and it's easier said than done.  Things could be so much worse; and like I said before, I know it will get better!

I just have to remember these things and take it day by day until I get my feet back planted where I want them!  I also have to finds some ways to forget all the petty things and look at all that I have; and just be thankful.  Wish me luck (and prayers if you pray).