Venting Is Good For The Soul

Dear Diary:

My biggest fear since early childhood has been abandonment. My mother abandoned me when I was four years old and I have never quite recovered.  

I heard my ex husband moved to Florida and my stomach is in knots. How could he leave our son without so much as a goodbye? Does he not understand the damage that abandonment does to a person? He actually left him alone two years ago; he told him to call him when he wanted to see him. No calls on his birthday and only sees him for ten minutes at Christmas. He is a narcissist and deep down the narcissist is terrified of being abandoned so he abandons everyone and everything before they can abandon him. Well, the best defense is a good offense, or so I've been told. 

I have been dreaming about my ex husband this week. I dreamed he and the new wife had a baby. What a nightmare! I keep thinking that I see him around town and it is very unsettling. Why I am torturing myself with this nonsense? I swear I have let him go, but sometimes he creeps into my subconscious and I can't shake him. 

Maybe I am thinking of our son and how I have had to assure him that I not going anywhere and that I am always here for him. Or how sometimes he eats and eats to try and fill this invisible void inside himself. I think of quitting smoking and losing weight with such urgency now. I have to live to be at least 110 so I know that our son is going to be taken care of. 

I am typing all these words but none of the words seem to convey how heavy all this seems to me some days. I am only venting here because most of the time all this is some of the madness that swirls around in my brain. There is no one to tell how I feel about it all so I hold it all in and get on with the business of living.