A Day I Will NEVER Forget

I know I haven't posted in a while, I apologize.  My life has been like a roller coaster not knowing what will happen at each turn.

 As most of you know I take care of my mom, which is my job as well as a child's responsibility when parents age and become unable to do for themselves!  It has been a challenge the past 8+ years, but we have gotten through it. The end of October she ended back up in the hospital, labs all over the place and retaining so much fluid it was unhealthy.  After a few days there the doctor wanted her to return to rehab to get her strength back up and back on her feet.

Rehab didn't seem to be doing much at all, it seemed that she was spending more time in the hospital ER than she was at the center.  Every week something was going wrong, either blood work, blood pressure, platelets, and UTI's .

When the time came that her insurance wasn't going to pay any longer I had to struggle with the decision to either leave her there permanently or bring her home and try to see if I could make it work.  This was a tough one because I didn't want to leave her there, but she was much worse off and I didn't know if I could physically do what would be required!  She was having trouble even standing alone on most days and for some reason, her mind was all over the place.  However, we  (my aunt and I) made the decision to try to make it work and if we couldn't then we would do what we had to do.  So, she was scheduled to come home Christmas Day!

She ended back up in the ER again December 21 with a horrible and highly contagious stomach virus, another UTI, and multiple lab elevations; and was admitted.  She didn't feel or look good!  After days of antibiotics, she was ready to be released and coming home.  I was happy that she would be back but scared of how it may be for us all. 

She got home Wednesday, December 26th and she seemed mostly like herself for the most part. She was still on meds for the virus and had a horrible bedsore that we had to treat, but she was pretty much stuck in the bed unless we used a lift to get her in the chair, but it hurt to sit too long. 

The week went by and her mind seemed to be getting worse, we wondered if she had another UTI because the past few had caused confusion and "talking outta her head".  However, yesterday she didn't seem like herself at all.  She slept most of the day and didn't say much that made sense.  The health nurse came by and she was a little concerned that she could be coming down with something.  We were thankful she had an appointment with her doctor scheduled in the next few days to get a checkup without having to go back to the ER. 

Last night my aunt called, concerned about her, and asked what they had said.  She said that she wasn't acting much different and she thought she needed to be seen by a doctor sooner; so, we decided if she wasn't better today we would call the ambulance and have her seen at the ER.

This morning I went and got us some breakfast at her favorite place, hoping it would brighten her morning.  I found a note when I came in from my aunt telling me she got choked on water last night taking her meds and she thought she needed to go to the ER this morning if she wasn't better. When I walked into her room she wasn't breathing right, she was making a funny sound when she exhaled and it seemed she was struggling hard to take a breathe in.  I called the health nurse and let her hear her, she suggested I was her up and see if anything changed... so I did.  However, when I woke her up she was still breathing the same and just stared at the roof.  She wouldn't look at me or respond to anything I said.  This was the scariest moment and I felt panicked, and called 911 right away!

I continued to try to get her to say or do something, but she wouldn't.  It seemed like it was taking the ambulance forever to get there!  When they arrived they didn't seem to be as worried as I was so I thought it was a good thing, especially as we pulled out the driveway and they didn't have any sirens on.  I began to calm down as this continued down our road heading to the hospital, she was in good hands and it was going to be a long day in the ER again, but they'd get her right and we'd be back home... is what I was thinking.

However, when we got to the end of our road that thought quickly changed when they turned on their sirens and went around a car that we were following down our road.  Then as we got onto the next road I found myself going 85 trying to keep up with them until they passed 3 cars at once and I got stuck in traffic.

My mind and heart were racing not knowing what was going on and praying that everything was going to be ok. When we arrived at the ER I went in and usually am allowed to go straight back there with her (we've made this trip a hundred times it seems), but they told me to have a seat and they would call me when they had her settled. 

I sat and I sat, mind racing, thinking the worse... but praying hard for good results.  Finally, after about 45 minutes the nurse comes over and tells me that she is gone to x-ray and when she gets back to the room I can go back there and tells me that she is ok.  Whew, what a huge relief!!   I figure it would be a few minutes so I went outside to make a few calls and smoke me a much-needed cigarette. 

After a few minutes of coming back inside, I was allowed to go back, but didn't expect what was to come!  When I went into the room she was the same as she was leaving home, still staring at nothing and no response to me talking to her.  It wasn't but just a few minutes and the doctor entered the room and started telling me how sick she was.  Pneumonia, septic, another UTI, urine looks like motor oil, and her blood pressure is dangerously low.... how was she this sick!? I was thinking she would now say what they would be doing to fix these things, but she started asking about a DNR and life support if needed and I knew this was much worse than I thought.  I was trying my best to hold it together. but I didn't know what to do other than tell her to do all they could do and ask her could I go out for a minute and make some calls. 

I called my aunt (but couldn't get her) and made sure other family members knew how sick she was and returned back inside to find the doctor again asking me about putting in a central line to help get meds in to stabilize blood pressures.  While I waited I stood at the bed telling her how much I loved her and how the doctors were going to help her feel better.

Back out to smoke again I went when they came in to do the central line, that wasn't something I wanted to see being done.  So, I tried calling my aunt again a few times till I was able to reach her.  She was the one person I felt needed to know right away since we have been the ones taking care of her the past few years.  I was so scared and there all alone and I knew it wouldn't be long and she would be there if no one else was.

It wasn't long after I got back into the room that the doctor came in again and said she needed to put a vent in and explained the best she could about the need for it and to get her BP up.  At this time it was so low 54/34.

When I was about to walk outside shortly after they put her on it to meet my oldest daughter, the doctor informed me that I should call any family that may want to come because she didn't think she was going to make it.  As I got to the door going outside my aunt was walking in.  So, I tried my best to tell her what was going on and told her what room she was in.  Then I walked to my daughter's car and tried to explain to her and help her prepare herself for what she was walking into. 

When we got back to the room she lost it, this was so hard watching her pain and thinking it was possible my mom was going to die.  What would I do without her!?  My sister arrived just after and the nurse was preparing momma to move to ICU.  I was thankful that I wasn't there alone anymore but terrified of what may be coming. 

They explained that there would be a little time after moving her before we could go back in there with her, but I didn't want her to be alone. While we waited to go back in the ICU my sister-in-law, brother, my other aunt, my husband and youngest daughter, and other family started arriving in the ICU waiting area. 

I let the ones that hadn't seen her go back since they limit how many can go in at a time and I wanted everyone to have a chance to say what they wanted to say and spend time.  This was so hard on us all.  When I went back there again the doctor explained that her liver and kidneys were failing more than they were earlier in the day and did I just want them to make her comfortable.  Being her only biological child all of these decisions feel on my shoulders to make, and it was so hard to make those words come out of my mouth!

My best friends showed up to support me and say their goodbyes because my momma had been like their 2nd mom.

I went out to get some air and smoke a cigarette or two before the hardest thing I would have to do was done, I just didn't know if this was going to be something I could do!  The Chaplin arrived and prayed with us all and we all stepped out where they could remove the vent. 

They removed it a little after 6pm this afternoon and we all surrounded her bed loving her and talking about how she was about to join daddy.  Her breathing slowed slowly and the nurses were so nice letting us all be there for her.  Then at 7:24pm she took her last breathe... this was the hardest day I think I have ever had to live, my mom is gone forever, this will be a day I will never forget!