Friday, March 4, 2016

Do you ever want to disappear?

Do you ever want to Vanish?  Disappear into thin air (not permanently), for just a little while?  Being overwhelmed with life can really do that to ya!!  

Seems as though every direction I turn, something else happens and trying to please everyone is never achievable!!

This week has been difficult, to say the least ...

    Monday my husband went out of town to work and I had plans to hang out with my girls, cook something quick, and watch a movie... a girls night!!  However, I ended up in the ER with my mom around 2 pm and ended up being there til after 11pm.  The doctor informed me that she wouldn't be admitted & after getting things set up for her to be transported home by ambulance I went to get my girls from my aunts house.  After getting home I had to wait for her to be transported home, after one final test, to help them get her in and situated... thinking it would be shortly after I left, but didn't happen till 3:30 am.  I felt like a zombie the next morning after not getting hardly any sleep, and what little I did get wasn't restful!! 
  While I was in the emergency room with her I was talking to my husband on the phone often and texting as well because his mom was given 24/48 hours to live.  He's stuck out of town because he didn't drive and it is killing him thinking about things.  Therefore, he starts to pressure me to go home to my responsibilities as a mother, and be with our kids. 
  It was difficult situation because YES I needed to be home with them, but I couldn't leave her there alone either.. she had no one else to be there for her and I didn't want her to feel like I didn't care!! 
   Later on in the night, still in the ER, he calls me and tells me that his dad called and said that he didn't think she would make it through the night... he was heartbroken and praying that she could hold on because he wanted to see her before anything happened!! 
  I walked through the door at home, finally able to get some rest while I waited on them to bring my mom home; and I get a call... his mom had just passed!!  I felt broken & wanted nothing more than to be there for him in that moment and wrap my arms around him, but I couldn't!  This was one of the toughest moments I can remember having! 
  Tuesday  I couldn't sleep in, had to get up early and get my daughter to school because she had a test.  I had a ton of errands that had to be done and had to help out with my mom... because she was still unable to stand alone.  I tried talking to my husband throughout the day but he wasn't very responsive, so I began to worry about him and how he was dealing with everything while trying to get things done where he could come home. 
  Wednesday & Thursday are a blur since things were so chaotic... then the wake was Thursday night, which was difficult to say the least. 
  Today was about the same, but having to make arrangements for someone to be with my mom tomorrow for the service  & figure out how to get my mom out to the car to the doctor the beginning of the week because she is unable to barely stand alone and I can't pick her up.  Then having to make sure things are in place for the funeral tomorrow and all those things.

It's hard to try and take care of so many things alone, I'm only one person!!  Everyone is looking to me to fix everything, make sure everything is in place, and handle it all; and I feel so overwhelmed I just want to disappear for a few hours.   Deal with my own emotions and get some rest!!  Not have anyone asking me to take care of something or take care of them...

I know this sounds selfish, but I left some frustrations out of this post due to not pissing someone off or causing issues and it's just the way I feel in this moment.  I want someone to ask if I need help or offer some, not make me beg to get it...  I just need some me time to get a handle on the way I feel about everything and everyone.  That's why it would be awesome to be able to just disappear at this moment!!  Not for long, just a few hours or a day; and everything would be okay!!