Monday, April 6, 2015

Epiphany

So, I had some major epiphanies about life over the last three days.

I went out over the weekend with some friends that are my age...well close to my age. I'm 40 and they are 32 & 37 respectively. The other people in our group were in their early 20's. I had a great time being out and about with this group of young people for two reasons. The first is that I didn't have to worry about them hitting on me and they didn't have to worry about me hitting on them. (lol) Second, it was nice to be able to go into a "club" like the one we went to and not have to worry about being harassed and I could drink my beer in peace. It wasn't really a rowdy place but it was like revisiting my twenties. The kids we went with were doing the same things I was doing twenty years ago. Same activity just a different crowd. It's funny how some things never change.

I felt so free after deciding to go out on the excursion to the club. Here I am, forty years old, and I get to go out and I don't have to ask for permission, I don't have to run it by a husband or boyfriend, I can just do it. Part of me always kind of holds back though......internally grappling with the knowledge that part of me misses being married and having someone to come home to. Life is about transitioning with the changes that are constant in our lives. I have been comparing it to a video game lately, we just level up every few years. We have kids, we get married, buy a house or buy a car. Then when we get divorced it's like losing a level, because everyone you know that is your age is either flourishing or floundering with the whole family life level. I feel sometimes as if I have been knocked down a level and I have to build myself and my life back up again. I have the chance again to make it into something new and something I can be proud of. I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone other than myself. You do a lot of soul searching when trying to dig your self out of the abyss that can sometimes be our emotions. But I'm doing good, because this is me in my rawest and uncensored form....Trying to rebuild and renew and figure everything out. Aren't we all always searching anyway?