Tuesday, June 2, 2015

My 40th Year

This year has been the most interesting year of my life. As a younger woman I always wondered who I would be and where I would be at the age of 40. When I was 20 that number was so far away and seemed so old. Now that I am here I don't think that way anymore. 

My beloved grandmother died March 16, 2014 a few months before my 40th birthday. I was with her when she died and it was the most raw, uncensored moment of my life. I watched her take her last breath and it changed me. It changed me. Watching her in those final moments made me realize how we take life for granted because no one  is promised tomorrow. 

As I was trying to navigate the grief I was feeling over the loss of my grandmother, my marriage deteriorated. My marriage was already on shaky ground and then it broke into a million pieces. I remember last year at this time it was all I could do to make it through the day. I would stand in my shower at night and sob so my kids couldn't hear me because it was so hard to maintain my everyday interaction with people. My mom had moved in with us a few days before the shit hit the fan and she has stayed with me throughout this whole ordeal.  

There is a bright light in this tunnel. Last summer when I went to London, England, I really started to find myself again. I needed to learn what it was like to depend on myself again and enjoy my own company. As a young girl I dreamed of going to London and in my mind I always imagined I would travel there alone and I did. My friend Tracy was really impressed by me traveling alone, but I have always marched to the beat of my own drummer. I'm a leader, not a follower. 

I have had the opportunity to visit so many different places this past year. I have been to England, France, Detroit, Michigan, Atlanta, Georgia, Kill Devil Hills, North Carolina and North Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. I have traveled to each of these wonderful places and experienced them unencumbered . It feels great to be trying new things and finding that "new me". 

All in all I am trying to say that I have grown so much in my 40th year. I have lost and had a lot of negative things happen, but it has not stopped me from moving forward and discovering life the way I want to live it. My children, family and friends are my anchor and without them I don't think I could have made it. I am also very happy now and I knew I could be if I just took a chance and stopped being scared. So many times in life we let fear hold us back and I am living proof that sometimes you just gotta grab life by the tail and show it who is boss!