Melancholy No Mans Land

I have always been under the impression that middle aged people are age 35 to 45. That is middle age. What is the time period before you are officially a senior citizen? 46 to 54. I have been calling it no mans land. A person is not old when they are in that age gap and they are not young anymore either. A favorite line in the movie Fried Green Tomatoes is when Kathy Bates character tells Ninny she is to old to be young and to young to be old. Kathy's character is obviously going through the change of life that we women must embark upon before entering the dreaded senior citizen realm. As women, we are told we are not pretty anymore and are past our prime when we reach a certain age and I believe that age is 40 by societal norms. 

So much has changed in my life in the last decade. My children are grown, I'm not married anymore, some of my loved ones are dead and I am beside myself with longing. I swear I haven't really cried since I had a hysterectomy at the age of 41. What is wrong with me? I feel like I have been going through the change for a decade now. When is it going to end? I want to feel normal. Is that even a thing?

Sundays are so hard for me recently. I keep thinking about my Granny and longing to see her and this melancholy comes over me and it feels like I am drowning in memories. I see the pine trees and smell the fresh turned dirt in the fields as the farmers prepare for the planting of their crops and my mind goes back to the summers I spent at her house a child. The smells in the air - the smell of this state. Memory is tied to smell. North Carolina around here smells like pine, earth, sunshine and tobacco. I kid you not, you can drive down a back country road at midnight in the middle of July and you can smell the sweetness of the tobacco on the warm night air and there is nothing like that anywhere else in the world. (That is the most southern thing anyone could say right?)

Well, I am mostly ranting today, it helps to get these thoughts out in this blog. What are your thoughts about middle age? Are you going through the change of life? I don't think this topic is talked about enough and we need to challenge that. Anyway....

My First Fifty Years

This is the year that I will turn 50 years old in July. My oldest son has been teasing me about this for the last few years. He likes to poke fun and ask what the world looked like before I could see in color or what was it like when dinosaurs roamed the earth. (Hinting that I was alive during that time, laugh out loud) 

I have been thinking about my accomplishments, my failures and where I messed up at as a parent. I have been thinking about how none of those things were linear. My age is linear but not the steps in which I chose to do anything. An example of that is I finished college in my early thirties and that is when I began my career as a paralegal. I continued to attend school and earned my bachelors degree in my late thirties and received that degree in two years because I hustled. I bought my first home after the age of 40 and didn't have my first child until I was 27. I figured out there were no set rules by which I had to accomplish anything within a certain time frame and that only society placed those antiquated rules on us. 

Any one thing that was an epic fail to me in my life was usually a learning experience. An example of that is I have been married in my life twice and both marriages ended in divorce. The first marriage ended in my twenties and was hard but I managed to get through it. The second divorce began when I turned forty and it was harder because I was older. Something I did though in the second marriage was finish my schooling so that if the marriage didn't work out I would have a profession to fall back on. When I divorced the first time I had not finished school and did not have any real great skills but fast food and retail experience. I made a promise to myself that if I ever found myself in that situation again I would have an education to fall back on. 

My children are grown now and I think about where I messed up while I was raising them. I should not have fussed and yelled the way that I did because I did not want to hit them the way I was hit as a child. I feel bad about it now because my oldest has brought it up. When he does speak on it I apologize - that's all I can do because I can't go back in time and change it. I am truly ashamed of the yelling and feel bad about it now and I also felt bad about it when I was doing it. 

I have become a caregiver to my parents since I have gotten older. There have been times that I resent it. There is a lot to unpack when it comes to my parents. I am thinking about making a series when it comes to this but I have to think on this a little bit more.

#50#myfirstfiftyyears#accomplishments#failures

Reconnection

This past week my youngest son and I had the chance to reconnect with his half sister. She and her family came down from Indiana to visit her family and her mother called me to tell me they were in town. I told her mother that we would love to see them and meet her husband and son. I was a bit nervous before the meeting due to it having been so long since I had seen her. The last time I had seen her, she must have been maybe 12 years old. Her father and I divorced so I wasn't really allowed to be in her life after that. My son continued to visit with his father but after awhile, his father didn't seem too interested in being his father anymore. She seems happy and content with her life and she looked great. She is 21 now and married with a son. Her son is 9 months old and he is crawling and he is adorable. I was able to hold him and talk to him while we visited. 

My son was super excited to visit with his sister. He even brought her a stuffed animal and we picked up his nephew a stuffed dinosaur. He talked to her while we were there and played video games. I got a couple of photos of them before we left. My son has asked me do I think her child will be autistic and I said you don't really know until a child gets to be about two. Then I told him about some of the things that I noticed with him when he was younger before he was diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum. 

She spoke of her father and she said that he never wanted her. She said he wanted a son but he didn't get the son he wanted and I finished her sentence and said, yeah because he has autism. That statement has rocked me to my core. I always knew this but had never voiced it and to hear her say it, made me so sad. Sad for her and my son because I am sure they are hurting and it has to hurt to have a parent that walks away without even an explanation. I told her that my son had a hard time after his dad walked away and I had to tell him that I was not leaving and that I loved him and my home was a safe space for him and that is why God gives you two parents, so that when one of your parents is going through grown up issues that have nothing to do with you, the other parent picks up the slack. She told me about trying to get her father to be involved with her more since she was going to have a baby and that the baby would be his grandson but it didn't work out. 

All in all it was great to see her and I am happy my son was able to visit with his sister.  I gave her the biggest hug when we left and told her how great it was to see her. 

Guess Who Is Back?

I have been gone a long time from this blog. When I first began, blog post used google plus and that platform was eventually done away with. I changed jobs and I have not been writing for years. There have been so many changes in my life since I last wrote a post. 

First, I changed jobs. An awesome job opportunity presented itself and I jumped on it. There is good retirement and 401K plan so I couldn't resist. The job is within the Department of Social Services as the paralegal in the legal unit. So I get to use my degree and help children that are abused, neglected or dependent. Well, my job is really a spoke on the wheel but it is important. 

The second biggest change in my life is that I quit smoking. Finally! I took a look around at my life and I didn't like what I saw in myself. I was huffing and puffing anytime I walked a lengthy distance and my feet and legs were burning. I did not realize before I quit smoking how much smoking had infiltrated my life. My clothes smelled like smoke, my home smelled like smoke and my car smelled like smoke. I had a huge fear of quitting because smoking was a crutch that I used that turned into a bad habit. I could taste the nicotine on my lips and my fingers were yellow. So I took Chantix and I was able to use that medication to quit. After I quit, I gained 12 pounds or so. 

The third change in my life was I took control of my health. I had gained a lot of weight and had been talking about changing for years but took no action to actually change. The change in jobs helped me to get an understanding of my health. The new job that I took has incentives for its employees to be healthy. In May of 2021 one of the ladies that I work with wanted all of the staff in that particular unit to take a photo. I was in the photo and when I saw it, I felt so ashamed. My face looked like I had three chins and I cried when I saw it. I realized that day that I had put my life on the back burner to take care of everyone around me and if I wanted to live to be an old woman I needed to take care of my health. I have lost a total of 60 pounds since that time and have kept it off. 

Something that I have noticed within myself in the last two and half years is that for each bad habit that I gave up I am struggling a bit with my mental health. What I mean when I say that is for a long time I pushed down my feelings and did not deal with them. I used food or cigarettes to numb myself. Now I am having to face the emotions that I have been suppressing because I am not binge eating to numb those feelings. I know that in the past that blogging has helped because it represents to me a way of releasing the past hurt, anger or grief that I have felt. 

I will end this post today saying that I am back for good and will be writing at least once a week and I will be discussing a variety of topics so buckle up because I am back!

Feeling Lost

The past few days have been a blur, but the hardest ever.  I never want to plan another funeral.  I feel numb, sad, lost, and so many other feelings that I'm sure most that lose a loved one experience.  I just want to go back and do things differently and have more time!

I have great family and friends who have called, texted, stopped by to bring food, and just try to assure that I am ok... I am so thankful to have them all!  But I also just want to be alone and left alone at the same time.

Will I always feel this lost?

A Day I Will NEVER Forget

I know I haven't posted in a while, I apologize.  My life has been like a roller coaster not knowing what will happen at each turn.

 As most of you know I take care of my mom, which is my job as well as a child's responsibility when parents age and become unable to do for themselves!  It has been a challenge the past 8+ years, but we have gotten through it. The end of October she ended back up in the hospital, labs all over the place and retaining so much fluid it was unhealthy.  After a few days there the doctor wanted her to return to rehab to get her strength back up and back on her feet.

Rehab didn't seem to be doing much at all, it seemed that she was spending more time in the hospital ER than she was at the center.  Every week something was going wrong, either blood work, blood pressure, platelets, and UTI's .

When the time came that her insurance wasn't going to pay any longer I had to struggle with the decision to either leave her there permanently or bring her home and try to see if I could make it work.  This was a tough one because I didn't want to leave her there, but she was much worse off and I didn't know if I could physically do what would be required!  She was having trouble even standing alone on most days and for some reason, her mind was all over the place.  However, we  (my aunt and I) made the decision to try to make it work and if we couldn't then we would do what we had to do.  So, she was scheduled to come home Christmas Day!

She ended back up in the ER again December 21 with a horrible and highly contagious stomach virus, another UTI, and multiple lab elevations; and was admitted.  She didn't feel or look good!  After days of antibiotics, she was ready to be released and coming home.  I was happy that she would be back but scared of how it may be for us all. 

She got home Wednesday, December 26th and she seemed mostly like herself for the most part. She was still on meds for the virus and had a horrible bedsore that we had to treat, but she was pretty much stuck in the bed unless we used a lift to get her in the chair, but it hurt to sit too long. 

The week went by and her mind seemed to be getting worse, we wondered if she had another UTI because the past few had caused confusion and "talking outta her head".  However, yesterday she didn't seem like herself at all.  She slept most of the day and didn't say much that made sense.  The health nurse came by and she was a little concerned that she could be coming down with something.  We were thankful she had an appointment with her doctor scheduled in the next few days to get a checkup without having to go back to the ER. 

Last night my aunt called, concerned about her, and asked what they had said.  She said that she wasn't acting much different and she thought she needed to be seen by a doctor sooner; so, we decided if she wasn't better today we would call the ambulance and have her seen at the ER.

This morning I went and got us some breakfast at her favorite place, hoping it would brighten her morning.  I found a note when I came in from my aunt telling me she got choked on water last night taking her meds and she thought she needed to go to the ER this morning if she wasn't better. When I walked into her room she wasn't breathing right, she was making a funny sound when she exhaled and it seemed she was struggling hard to take a breathe in.  I called the health nurse and let her hear her, she suggested I was her up and see if anything changed... so I did.  However, when I woke her up she was still breathing the same and just stared at the roof.  She wouldn't look at me or respond to anything I said.  This was the scariest moment and I felt panicked, and called 911 right away!

I continued to try to get her to say or do something, but she wouldn't.  It seemed like it was taking the ambulance forever to get there!  When they arrived they didn't seem to be as worried as I was so I thought it was a good thing, especially as we pulled out the driveway and they didn't have any sirens on.  I began to calm down as this continued down our road heading to the hospital, she was in good hands and it was going to be a long day in the ER again, but they'd get her right and we'd be back home... is what I was thinking.

However, when we got to the end of our road that thought quickly changed when they turned on their sirens and went around a car that we were following down our road.  Then as we got onto the next road I found myself going 85 trying to keep up with them until they passed 3 cars at once and I got stuck in traffic.

My mind and heart were racing not knowing what was going on and praying that everything was going to be ok. When we arrived at the ER I went in and usually am allowed to go straight back there with her (we've made this trip a hundred times it seems), but they told me to have a seat and they would call me when they had her settled. 

I sat and I sat, mind racing, thinking the worse... but praying hard for good results.  Finally, after about 45 minutes the nurse comes over and tells me that she is gone to x-ray and when she gets back to the room I can go back there and tells me that she is ok.  Whew, what a huge relief!!   I figure it would be a few minutes so I went outside to make a few calls and smoke me a much-needed cigarette. 

After a few minutes of coming back inside, I was allowed to go back, but didn't expect what was to come!  When I went into the room she was the same as she was leaving home, still staring at nothing and no response to me talking to her.  It wasn't but just a few minutes and the doctor entered the room and started telling me how sick she was.  Pneumonia, septic, another UTI, urine looks like motor oil, and her blood pressure is dangerously low.... how was she this sick!? I was thinking she would now say what they would be doing to fix these things, but she started asking about a DNR and life support if needed and I knew this was much worse than I thought.  I was trying my best to hold it together. but I didn't know what to do other than tell her to do all they could do and ask her could I go out for a minute and make some calls. 

I called my aunt (but couldn't get her) and made sure other family members knew how sick she was and returned back inside to find the doctor again asking me about putting in a central line to help get meds in to stabilize blood pressures.  While I waited I stood at the bed telling her how much I loved her and how the doctors were going to help her feel better.

Back out to smoke again I went when they came in to do the central line, that wasn't something I wanted to see being done.  So, I tried calling my aunt again a few times till I was able to reach her.  She was the one person I felt needed to know right away since we have been the ones taking care of her the past few years.  I was so scared and there all alone and I knew it wouldn't be long and she would be there if no one else was.

It wasn't long after I got back into the room that the doctor came in again and said she needed to put a vent in and explained the best she could about the need for it and to get her BP up.  At this time it was so low 54/34.

When I was about to walk outside shortly after they put her on it to meet my oldest daughter, the doctor informed me that I should call any family that may want to come because she didn't think she was going to make it.  As I got to the door going outside my aunt was walking in.  So, I tried my best to tell her what was going on and told her what room she was in.  Then I walked to my daughter's car and tried to explain to her and help her prepare herself for what she was walking into. 

When we got back to the room she lost it, this was so hard watching her pain and thinking it was possible my mom was going to die.  What would I do without her!?  My sister arrived just after and the nurse was preparing momma to move to ICU.  I was thankful that I wasn't there alone anymore but terrified of what may be coming. 

They explained that there would be a little time after moving her before we could go back in there with her, but I didn't want her to be alone. While we waited to go back in the ICU my sister-in-law, brother, my other aunt, my husband and youngest daughter, and other family started arriving in the ICU waiting area. 

I let the ones that hadn't seen her go back since they limit how many can go in at a time and I wanted everyone to have a chance to say what they wanted to say and spend time.  This was so hard on us all.  When I went back there again the doctor explained that her liver and kidneys were failing more than they were earlier in the day and did I just want them to make her comfortable.  Being her only biological child all of these decisions feel on my shoulders to make, and it was so hard to make those words come out of my mouth!

My best friends showed up to support me and say their goodbyes because my momma had been like their 2nd mom.

I went out to get some air and smoke a cigarette or two before the hardest thing I would have to do was done, I just didn't know if this was going to be something I could do!  The Chaplin arrived and prayed with us all and we all stepped out where they could remove the vent. 

They removed it a little after 6pm this afternoon and we all surrounded her bed loving her and talking about how she was about to join daddy.  Her breathing slowed slowly and the nurses were so nice letting us all be there for her.  Then at 7:24pm she took her last breathe... this was the hardest day I think I have ever had to live, my mom is gone forever, this will be a day I will never forget!

Venting Is Good For The Soul

Dear Diary:

My biggest fear since early childhood has been abandonment. My mother abandoned me when I was four years old and I have never quite recovered.  

I heard my ex husband moved to Florida and my stomach is in knots. How could he leave our son without so much as a goodbye? Does he not understand the damage that abandonment does to a person? He actually left him alone two years ago; he told him to call him when he wanted to see him. No calls on his birthday and only sees him for ten minutes at Christmas. He is a narcissist and deep down the narcissist is terrified of being abandoned so he abandons everyone and everything before they can abandon him. Well, the best defense is a good offense, or so I've been told. 

I have been dreaming about my ex husband this week. I dreamed he and the new wife had a baby. What a nightmare! I keep thinking that I see him around town and it is very unsettling. Why I am torturing myself with this nonsense? I swear I have let him go, but sometimes he creeps into my subconscious and I can't shake him. 

Maybe I am thinking of our son and how I have had to assure him that I not going anywhere and that I am always here for him. Or how sometimes he eats and eats to try and fill this invisible void inside himself. I think of quitting smoking and losing weight with such urgency now. I have to live to be at least 110 so I know that our son is going to be taken care of. 

I am typing all these words but none of the words seem to convey how heavy all this seems to me some days. I am only venting here because most of the time all this is some of the madness that swirls around in my brain. There is no one to tell how I feel about it all so I hold it all in and get on with the business of living. 

No Shock in Recent School Shooting

I'm sitting here watching CNN as many others are today.  It is horrible what took place in Parkland, Florida yesterday.  Listening to interviews of students who lived through the traumatic event. Sixteen years old, Addison Jost (Addy), is talking about what transpired an she made a statement that really floored me, but didn't surprise me... She expressed that she wasn't surprised because this sorta thing is happening so much.

Would you be, really deep down, be truly surprised if it happened in your community?  I know I am thankful that it hasn't in mine, but it wouldn't shock me to the extent it should if it did, and that is SAD in America!

I  have sat at work and heard it on the television most of the day, hearing our leaders in our country avoid discussing "Gun Violence".  This pisses me off! every time this happens, we hear this.  Weeks and months go by and NOTHING happens to control any of the issues (not just gun control) that contribute in EVERY case!  Then it happens again... 

Something has to be done and our leaders have to quit putting the conversation of Gun Control & Mental Health on hold!

My hearts and Payers go out to all the families, friends, and community of Parkland, Florida.